balling diddums.

Dear Joey Comeau.

2009-09-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

I realized today that maybe my blog isn't so hard to find... And that maybe it would be easy to stumble into, especially if your name is written all over it.

I also realize now that maybe not everyone needs to read my feelings and that they could be hurtful to someone who doesn't know or understand me.

So Mr. Comeau, if you ever find this blog and you read my last entry and think, "Jesus Christ, this girl is insane!", please keep in mind that this is a place where I sort out of my thoughts. I am incredibly sorry if I said anything that could have done you wrong, as that was never the intention.

- A

Also, I enjoyed both of the books that I have read by you and I don't think you're a hypocrite, AND I'm not just saying that.

Mister.

2009-08-08T23:47:00.000-07:00

I've taken to posting conversations or quotes in my blog that evoke an emotion in me that I want to remember. For the past little while, most of the feelings have been negative... I guess it's just made more sense to remember the shit things as opposed to the positive ones. For some bizarre reason, they register as more life defining.

I know I've posted before about my random insecurities - About being almost twenty-six and lacking a purpose or meaning in my life. I know I've written about falling in love, about the way men have made me feel, marriage, sex and my general expectations and dislikes of relationships. I don't know why, but suddenly all those posts seem a bit silly.

My aunt asked me two years ago if the man I was dating was, "the one." I've never really been too hung up on the idea of one person for the rest of time - I also think it's a bit insane to be able to know so early in a relationship. I told her I had no idea and she said, "Well he's not."

Retarded right?

I've just ended a two year relationship and have randomly stumbled into a new one.

Three weeks ago I wasn't keen on the idea of buying into a new boyfriend.

For the first time I had no expectations of a man and when I say that, I actually mean it. What I found was someone who mirrored the lack of expectation and in finding that, we somehow managed to slide into a state of mutual understanding. Whatever it was that we were doing needed to stay nameless - It needed to be slow and it needed to be respectful of the delicate situation that surrounded it. That didn't really work.

The emotions that I hold for this man are indescribable.

I've met an equal - Someone who shares the same terrors and insecurities as me. Someone who is vulnerable and unsure. Someone who understands that a relationship isn't a status, it just is.

And I don't want to trivialize it. This isn't cliche. He is not like the rest... Shit. Does saying that make it so?

I could spend the rest of my life lying in bed beside him, looking into his "tired" eyes.

But I of course don't see his tired eyes. I see a man looking at a woman who he wants to take care of and when I see that, his eyes start to sparkle and anything seems possible.

I see a strong and caring man who is loyal, honest, decent, kind and undiscovered. I see a person who is loved. Completely and utterly.

So for the first time in my life, the world has stopped.

I am standing still, in the arms of a beautiful man and I don't give a flying fuck about anything. I'm not scared, I'm not worried - The only thing that seems to matter, are his sparkling eyes.

Swoon.

2009-07-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

I usually build walls to hide behind. It takes a special person to find the desire to take the time to break through them. But with you I never even started to build walls, you just walked in and I trusted you, completely and unquestionably. Is it stupid? Maybe. Could it be a mistake? Sure, but I don't care. You have stripped me completely to my raw self, I'm an open book cover to cover and I want you to read every page.

I Have Chosen Poorly.

2009-04-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

Brettzky says: (4:24:02 PM)

hey

balling diddums says: (4:24:09 PM)

Brettzky says: (4:24:32 PM)

What? you still have me on here and facebook....sooo I'm gonna talk to you

balling diddums says: (4:25:34 PM)

What good do you think that's going to do exactly?

balling diddums says: (4:25:59 PM)

Dude. This is borderline creepy. If you told someone to leave you alone, what would you do if they kept talking to you?

Brettzky says: (4:26:42 PM)

Not sure never have. That being said though i find it odd you haven't done like i told you to

Brettzky says: (4:26:59 PM)

Usually if you don't want anything to do with anyone you cut all ties with them

Brettzky says: (4:27:04 PM)

Like on here and facebook

balling diddums says: (4:27:55 PM)

Dude, I don't hate you, I just think that you and I aren't very compatible friendship wise and no matter what I say or do, you never seem to get it.

balling diddums says: (4:28:11 PM)

Like, "I find it odd you haven't done like I told you to" Wtf is that?

Brettzky says: (4:28:40 PM)

Umm you haven't taken me off msn or facebook....if you don't wanna talk to me, best to do that

Brettzky says: (4:28:41 PM)

Dumbass

balling diddums says: (4:29:05 PM)

But it doesn't even matter because when you say things that bother me, all you do is justify your actions with some sort of bullshit pride answer and never attempt to understand why you may make me feel like crap or why the shit you say is offensive.

balling diddums says: (4:29:48 PM)

And that is why I don't want to talk to you.

Brettzky says: (4:29:56 PM)

Right..was sooo mean to you last time i saw you.

balling diddums says: (4:30:51 PM)

My friend Mark and I went out last week and we went to the same pub that you and I went to and as we were crossing the street I said to him, "the last time I was here, the only thing the guy that I was with talked about was all the women he wanted to bang. I don't get that, why do men tell other women about their fucks? Its not admirable."

balling diddums says: (4:31:13 PM)

And He said, "Yeah, that's a bit fucked, but I can do that too if you want... but with men... I totally want to fuck Sean Connery." And it was FUNNY, but with you, its just weird.

Brettzky says: (4:31:57 PM)

Its called something guys do. especially ones that work in a kitchen

Brettzky says: (4:32:19 PM)

And gay guys are like girls so your friend mark doesn't exactly count.

balling diddums says: (4:32:21 PM)

Yeah, the sooner you get that I'm not a guy, the better AND the guys that i hang around with don't do that.

balling diddums says: (4:32:28 PM)

And Mark is straight.

balling diddums says: (4:32:57 PM)

He's just not a macho, pig headed retard who thinks that the only thing that matters in life are Pearl Jam, fucking pretty girls and food.

balling diddums says: (4:33:12 PM)

Which is usually the extent of every conversation I've ever had with you.

Brettzky says: (4:34:07 PM)

Guess what? food rules my life. I'm reading a book called in defense of food. Most activities I do revolve around food.

Brettzky says: (4:35:29 PM)

And as for being pig headed, that's rather unfounded. ask me something about culture, lit., or whoa even other kinds of music and i can damn well keep up a convo with you

Brettzky says: (4:35:29 PM)

So don't you fucking dare call me that.

balling diddums says: (4:36:13 PM)

I've read In Defense of Food.

balling diddums says: (4:36:22 PM)

And again, you don't get it.

balling diddums says: (4:36:34 PM)

And if you don't want me to tell you the truth, than maybe you should block me.

Brettzky says: (4:36:46 PM)

Truth? riiiight

balling diddums says: (4:36:53 PM)

You're such an idiot.

Brettzky says: (4:37:04 PM)

You're such a sensitive bitch

balling diddums says: (4:37:19 PM)

Thanks?

balling diddums says: (4:37:59 PM)

WTF man. Maybe the reason why you don't have a girlfriend is because you're so unbelievably self absorbed with the things that matter in your life, you don't get that other people don't want to talk about them ALL THE TIME.

balling diddums says: (4:38:58 PM)

And just for the record, I don't find any of the stuff you do or say overly offensive, just annoying as all fuck. The only times I get mad at you are when you say shit about my friends, ie assuming my friend Mark is gay just because he's man enough to say he'd fuck another man as a joke.

balling diddums says: (4:38:59 PM)

Jesus.

Brettzky says: (4:40:23 PM)

Right self abosorbed...that's why i find out what's going on with other people. uh huh. you're so fucking narrow minded Anna, at least when it comes to me. you see one thing n that's it

balling diddums says: (4:41:02 PM)

Lol. and what is it that I see in you?

balling diddums says: (4:41:34 PM)

And really Brett? Freaking out on me after my grandmother almost died because I wouldn't be able to make it to your dinner is kind of the epitome of self absorbed.

Brettzky says: (4:43:06 PM)

Its called school matters to me and that was one of the most important days of my life. as in, if i don't get married, that might be right up there with most important day of my life. and she almost died. not like she did.

Brettzky says: (4:44:28 PM)

What? floored that I just said that? sorry, but you forget something, I'm not close with my family. lil insensitive when it comes to family things. Like death.

Brettzky says: (4:44:32 PM)

Or almost death

balling diddums says: (4:45:07 PM)

Oh my god, this conversation is going on blog.

Brettzky says: (4:45:35 PM)

Fine...like i give a fuck.

Brettzky says: (4:46:04 PM)

I find it rather pathetic you have to put something private like this on your blog.

balling diddums says: (4:46:05 PM)

I can't believe you just said that, "Its not like she died or anything." Holy crap. You're not self absorbed at all!

balling diddums says: (4:46:22 PM)

I'm sorry, there wasn't a disclaimer in the beginning about privacy.

Brettzky says: (4:46:31 PM)

Going ot send me the link again so i can read it and feel my eyes open wide for me for the first time?

Brettzky says: (4:46:33 PM)

Huh?

balling diddums says: (4:46:47 PM)

And I'm laughing, I think this is fucking hilarious and absolutely stupid. Its like, holy fuck, look at what you just wrote and tell me that I'm wrong, you can't!

Brettzky says: (4:46:52 PM)

I'm not self abosrbed anna. she almost died

Brettzky says: (4:47:02 PM)

I almost died a couple times in the last half year.

Brettzky says: (4:47:09 PM)

Dont see me going and getting all upset about it

balling diddums says: (4:47:27 PM)

She almost died, yeah and she could have died in the hospital. Seeing my grandmother for maybe the last time or eating your food. Hrm. Obviously a tough choice, CLEARLY I choose poorly.

Brettzky says: (4:50:15 PM)

Didnt say you did. you dont get it though. someone almost dying (happened ot my grandpa a few dozen times) doesnt phase me. someone dying, diff. story. god grow a lil skin

balling diddums says: (4:51:07 PM)

And this is why I don't want to be your friend anymore Brett. You can't respect that we're different and you have no desire to understand why we are, nor do you have the desire to appreciate it. You just tell me I'm wrong.

Brettzky says: (4:51:15 PM)

I also find it funny that you cant let that go. get over it

balling diddums says: (4:51:31 PM)

Message me all you want, but I assure you, all of our conversations, if I choose to talk to you, are just going to be like this one. I thorougly enjoy arguing with you. Its terribly funny.

My Stupid Sister's Advice re. Our Mother.

2009-04-08T21:09:00.000-07:00