Is This Depression?

I am really lonely.

I spoke more to Andrew when I lived in Ridgeway. I thought that the communication would suffer because of our schedules. I realise now that our communication is obliterated because of our lack of interst in one another.

I really just want to go home. Well, right now I do, but I don't really have a home to go to, so the thought is fleeting.

I tried to convince myself before I left Wal Mart that I only liked my job because of the people. It really was a shit place to work and I really do hate every single ethic that, that company holds, but I sincerely loved my job and I sincerely miss it.
It's stupid to feel guilty for wanting a mediocre life that makes you happy vs. an overwhelming one that makes you rich.

I hate running to school and running home to run to work and then running through work to get back home to study for tests. It's just too much and while I know that I am capable of doing it, I absolutely do not want to.
So I feel like shit for not living up to my potential and continue to immerse myself in an unhealthy relationship with my boyfriend, who falls asleep before we have the opportunity to figure out our currently, doomed romance, because I don't feel like I have a choice to have it any other way.

Sitting at home for hours on end with nothing to do and no one to talk to doesn't help either.

Andrew asked me to come to Poker tonight, but I said no.
I hate gambling, I hate the game. I dislike Krista and Tony and I have no desire to sit through bullshit conversations about hot women and why I'm no fun because I can't afford to play a forty dollar round of poker.

It's really hard to admit that you're depressed and it's depressing to acknowledge that the only outlet you can admit it to is your blog; ONLY because you don't really have anyone else to admit it to.

In our last fight, Andrew said that he was pissed off at me for saying that I could, "easily find someone off the street to marry me before he would", infront of his brother. I don't understand why he would be upset about it because he hates the idea of marriage and has told me a thousand times. It's also the truth - It would be easier to find someone off the street to marry me and the prospect of marriage is so far out of the question, I don't see how it would have made a difference in any way. But apparently his brother gave him a disaproving, "Why the hell are you with her face" and so now I've been made to feel like quite an ass.

This scenario has played out numerous times over the past week.

Tony asked me today when I was moving out. Clay quickly backpeddled after saying that him and the guys should go to a strip club. Again, I was made to feel like a lunatic.

I don't understand why it's so ridiculous to want a boyfriend who is capable of articulating his needs, wants, emotions and thoughts. I don't understand why it's unreasonable to dislike the idea of my boyfriend paying attention to a naked woman in a moment of lust. I don't understand what I have to do to make him understand that everything he does HURTS me and that I'm so absolutely distressed about the state of my life right now that I feel like I'm five seconds away from bursting.

Why the fuck hasn't this gotten easier yet?