Screaming Infidelities.

That was the first song that was playing when I got back into the car. How ironic is that? Fucking radio, always making the obvious so much more than it needs to be.

I keep telling myself that everything I do has a purpose. That it needed to happen because it was supposed to, and I should never regret my feelings because they're in me to feel. I don't regret much in my life.

Things seem to become more and more surreal as the time ticks by. I can't remember being in that car, but I know I was in it. And as more time passes and as more words burry what was shared and experienced, the more unbelievable and dream-like that moment becomes. I w

on't and can't give myself up. I don't like to be cracked and it's so rare that someone is capable, or even allowed to venture close enough to break my shell.

Everything seems different now. He's seen me so vulnerable, on the brink of tears. He was soft and gentle, not harsh and rude. He talked about things that mattered and not the things that pertained to the environment. He was, what I wanted to see, what I always thought he was and like a flash of light, he was gone again. Those hours spent in the Tercel were mere seconds of a sleepy haze.

He appeared again tonight, but was only a fragment of what I saw. He was cold and ridgid, uninterested and distant. He just kept walking away.

I guess now I remember what it's like to feel forgotten. The object that's kept in a box for safe keeping - the temptation that's only allowed out when a window of rushed time presents itself. I feel so silly now, so annoyed and so very tired. How are you supposed to cope with being an accessory to good timing? How do I start to understand the complexity of a situation that never needed to exist and in many ways, doesn't. I feel like a toy.

It's not his fault. I fall in love with moments, people and ideas too easily. I create the illusion of strength and distance. I'm very good at making myself and everyone else believe that I'm in control. I'm just a kid and I just want someone to make me feel right. I dont hate him or despise him, I don't know what I feel for him. Feelings for him are obselete.

The only thing I feel now is hurt. Ignoring events because of circumstance breaks more hearts than blunt words. Pretending that you don't care, and being good at it breaks my soul and I'm very stupid for putting myself in this position. A position where I seem so easily ignored.

It fucking stings.

I didn't do anything wrong. I just got close to someone I obviously shouldn't have. Why am I so, so stupid.