Inbetween Days.

...He's not going to rock out with his cock out really, but he might rock out without his socks on. He might, rock it, rock it, rock it, rock it, rock it with his mother fucking blue shirt on, how distinctive is that? Shoobee-do-bop. Scat etc.

Chelsea finally found my Songs for Goldfish album.

Thank fucking God.

There is a live account of evaporated on this album, my favourite Ben Folds song, ever. It makes me cry when I listen to it. It's made me cry far too many times. I'm always surprised by how much the account of his day has reflected the position of my life ever since I've been fifteen. That's fucked. He's such a clever man. Fucker.

I've always found it disgutingly tacky to quote lyrics on the internet, especially on blogs, (unless they are ridiculously funny. See above). These forums are, after all a way to exercise my life's story, not a way to give props to a badass piano player. Like anyone really cares about Ben Folds' lyrics anyway. Well, they might, but not because of my blog.

I think maybe today I will disgrace my philosophy and create a fly by account of these emotions as I listen to this song. These are something of substance, I think. And I think I want to remember them.

"What I've kept with me and what I've thrown away and where the hell I've ended up on this glary random day. Or the things that I really cared about, just left along the way, for being too pent up and proud."

YEAH. No shit. I can't even begin to count the amount of people that have fallen in the gutter because of my pigheaded selfishness. I hope that maybe this is an almost-adult phase that I'm quietly and stupidly going through. I hope.
But then, it's not even the people that I've left behind that make me feel at a loss when I listen to this. I've lost so much of myself and I think maybe that's perhaps why I've ended up in a corner. A corner that is making me completely dependant on other people. Fuck I hate that.

"Woke up way too late, feeling hungover and old and the sun was shinning bright and I walked bare foot down the road. Started thinking about my old man, it seems that all men, want to get into a car and go... Anywhere."

I've never felt hungover. Not really anyway, but I have felt old. I'm twenty-three fucking years old and I feel like I'm fifty. Not because I've abandoned my childish nature, but wait, I'm pulling a Micheal Jackson here, but because I can't honestly remember a time where I was allowed to be a happy child.
I used to walk barefoot to school when I was a teenager. My boyfriend of the time hated it. I thought it was nice that I lived in a town where I could walk barefoot down the road.
Before my father left, this song just reminded me that my dad would always leave every weekend. He was always in that blasted bus, singing for God, forgetting his family. That line always makes me remember how much I couldn't tell the difference between my emotions when he left every weekend and when he left for good. They just felt the same.

"Here I stand, sad and free and I can't cry and I can't see what I've done. No God, what have I done?"

Ah. The simple yet cleverly impacting chorus.
This song seems like such a powerful confession to me, that it only seems fitting to be standing numb, unable to understand just what you've stumbled into, unable to come to terms with what you need to do next.
Sometimes I wonder if I've falied God when I decided he wasn't for me. I miss my faith, I miss that peaceful feeling that exists when you love something bigger than yourself. I thought once that the feeling was created by my ignorance toward everything else but my faith. I was right of course. It's funny how much I long to return to it.

"Don't you know I'm numb man, no I can't feel a thing at all. 'Cause it's all smiles and business these days and I'm indifferent to the loss. And I've got faith that there's a soul somehwere, that's leading me around. I wonder if she knows which way is down?"

I don't know how people can be so oblivious to the actual lack of humanity that exists in us all. I hate all the social agendas and the fake plastered smiles that break across the elite's faces when they see someone they think is worth their five minutes of honest-to-god indifference. I hate it. I hate how we're all so cold.
I don't want an angel, I just want someone who is sincerely interested in knowing someone other then themselves.

"Here I stand, sad and free and I can't cry and I can't see what I've done. No God, what have I done? And I poured my heart out. I poured my heart out. It evaporated... See?"

That, "See?" sounds so desperate to me.
It's a shame that so many people wear their hearts on their sleeves, and yet no one seems to care enough to notice.There's such an inability amoungst all of us that keeps us from actually ever talking to one another. Seriously, how hard is it to fucking listen? How hard is it to TALK? And not about piddy weather shit.

"A blind man on a canyons edge of panoramic scene. Or maybe I'm kite that's flying high, random dangling a string. Or slumped over in a vacant room, head on a stranger's knee. I'm sure back home, they think I've lost my mind."

Usually by this point in the song, I'm crying so badly that the emotions related to it are forgotten. My life does seem like there's something that I'll never be able to obtain because of how much of myself I've shut off due to other people's inflicted pain.

I don't think people think I've lost my mind for it. I know they think I'm a bitch for it....

You better watch out, 'cause I'm going to say FUCK.

You better watch out.

Fuck.