Cookies.

What the fuck am I doing? Right now I'm listening to Mi Mancherai, drinking hot chocolate and thinking,

'GOD, I'M A FUCKING IDIOT.'

No matter how hard I try to keep away from Josh, I fail miserably every new day I see him. I loathe myself for my lack of control. I hate myself for being so fickle. I despise myself for finding myself in the same position, again and again.
It almost seems impossible. I parallel my relationship with Josh to a box of Girl Guide, Mint Chocolate Cookies. I know the box is in the cupboard, I know I can relish in them. I know that in the long run, the cookies are going to do nothing but make me fat and spotty, but right now they're, divine. Take a bite diddums, one more morsel won't hurt you now. But they will make you miserable with guilt in an hour, leaving you alone in your bedroom to count the massive caloric-intake of emotional distress and fatty deposits. And that's when you think, "What have I done?"

Indeed, what have I done? What am I doing?

Dr. Phil would tell me to leave no margin for failure. Eliminate the problem, remove all cookies from my outstretched, attention-starved fingers and find comfort in my step towards being solid and sound in the right decisions. But how do you remove a person from your existence? Josh is not a cookie. I can't just go.
I don't want to just go. It's not fair to him and I suppose, it's just an easy way to solve a problem that I should deal with now and not later. There probably will be another Josh, two years, five years down the road. Someone whom I go to, which fills the holes of insecurity and self-disgust while Andrew is MIA.
But at the same time, while he strolls blissfully unawares through his indecision (his emotional scapegoat to his issues with the relationship), my heart and my head are being bombarded with pangs of disgust and discomfort. How stupid I am, to put myself here and to let it continue like this! Why can I not find a solution to this? Or do I already know the solution, and am too much of a coward to deal with my insecurities and self-disgust on my own?

Stupid, stupid diddums. You know that you cannot ever have a proper relationship with him. Not only because the guilt that would consume you for destroying a family would be unbearable, but also because you're just not compatible. You know it.
There would never be a day where you would be able to look at him and know that you were honestly and openly in love with a man who could cherish you with the purest of feelings. There will always be regret, there will always be guilt and that is hardly a firm foundation for what you want.
But he says, "There's just something about you" and that keeps him emotionally available enough for you to forget all of it. Funny that him telling you something so simple would melt your heart. Probably because it seems romantic and foreign and you like the feeling enough to smile and gaze sheepishly at him.

Now, I want to stab a ballpoint pen into the part of my brain that is putting a purple haze around my sense of sensibility. There is no question any longer to whom my heart belongs to. I love Andrew so much, and he knows that I'm struggling with feelings for another man and the fact that I'm not ridding myself of such feelings is making me feel like a giant scarlet letter.

I wish I could wear a shock collar, controlled by the little man in my brain who is doing a shit job of making that slap on the palm hurt when I'm being stupid. A little buzz to put my mind right may do more than just me good.
I need to tell Josh that this is finished. That my emotional availability of this sort is being cutoff, and he needs to agree to the same. I just need to find the will of iron in me to do it.