Squeaker's Sxity-Four-Thousand Dollar Question.

Oh cripes my feet are so cold.

This weather is mad. Thirty hurricanes in one night in the South. I'm sorry America. You've been fucking with the rest of the world and God has finally decided that he hates you enough to do something about it. Quite tragic, really.

Drama is the word of the day. If Fergie was in my presence, she would be shaking her lady lumps and flexing her muscles to ward off evil deeds. I wish my lady lumps were that offensive.

It's the head games man, the head games do you in. I wish people had the balls to call 'em as they see 'em. None of this, I'm going to be something, so you'll be someone else, so I can hate you, and forget about our relationship because it makes it easier for me. Be a man, be humane - deal with it.
I got a great deal of sympathy for Josh. Saying things like, "I've gone twenty-three years without social interaction, I can go another twenty-three without a problem" and acting like he sincerely means it, has to be tough. I don't think Josh meant that, but he made it sound like he did. That stung. In turn, I threw the, "Man, Mike told me that you were no good, and I spent a whole load of time telling him you were. Who woulda thought he would be right" back. I think that stung more, I don't know why though. He walked away then, walked away and punched a box.
Did it hurt because I sided with Mike? Did it hurt because I was mad enough to say it? Or did it hurt because you realised that you were bailing on me and that you lived up to the expectation that Mike had set out for you? Why were you so mad and why did you walk away? How badly did you want to hit me? Or were you trying to hide a different emotion? And where did you disapear to for you so long and why were your eyes so tired when you came back? What was is it that I did to make you so quiet after? I wish I knew.
Turns out that I'm not as expendible as he thought I would be. I don't know why that is either. I'm a persistant little mouse. I don't like leaving people emotionally flustered by thoughtless comments in the midst of mindless arguments. That feeling sucks.
He said that he tried to be rude and hoped that I would stay away, but it seemed to be failing. Seeing him that miserable, made me desperate for a solution. Knowing that I made him that miserable, broke my heart. I never wanted to be that to Josh, ever. I just wanted to be a decent friend. I know now, that I'm a major cause of frustration. I got too emotionally attatched. Again, I fell in love too quickly.
He told me he wanted to hate me because it would be easier for when I left. I don't really know why it would be harder on him then and not now. Now is so frustrating. So confusing, so unclear and so awful. I hope later, we'll be more at peace with our relationship and less concerned about the time limit and more concerned with the time well spent.

It's hard though. Very hard. Yesterday, I was ready to write off Josh completely. Walking into work and finding a completely ridiculous situation turned all sorts of backwards and upside down made it worse.

Josh, I never write anything to intentionally piss you off. I never want to say anything to intentionally piss you off. You're my fucking friend, the only one I have here. I don't want to loose you, I want to keep you. You mean more to me than you think and I wish I could express it better, but right now, the state of our affairs, leaves that part of me numb.
I wish we could go back to the first day we got to be together. That day when we existed as friends and nothing else. Getting lost in the Tercel, eating disgusting food and making fun of my rotund furballs. That's all I want now.
But at the same time, I need you to tell me that it's ok. That whatever it is that happened between the two of us, is ok with you and that we can be ok together, as friends. Give me a huge hug, attempt to be interested in spending time with me, ask me if I'm ok, be anything but so cold. Or is it that hard to be around me? I don't know how you feel about me, I just don't know. And right now, I just think you hate me and from what I understand of you, that's what you want. You have to make the effort and I know you know this. So where is it?

Make me believe that you want me around, or eventually I'll just slip away. But maybe, that's what you want. Josh, I'm trying to be right, but you have to give me something to stand on. Please don't let this friendship die.