The Good Things.

Coming home this morning, I realised that "Bruised" isn't a sappy-sad love song, but a really fucking angry song about love. That last Bah, bah, bah, if you sing it with Ben, is actually full of frustration. Of course I sang and that amplified all the hate that was radiating out of me after work today.

I can't express myself verbally unless I'm angry. It can't be a piddly little pisser of an angry either it has to be a, "The words that are coming out of your mouth are making me want to put my fist through your face, shut up, shut up, shut up. Why are you making me suffer to the core? Why are you hurting me this much? MAD." It takes a long fecking time for me to reach this point, or usually, five minutes alone with my mother.
I had written a huge post in a book downstairs, highlighting my frustrations with Josh, yet again. Every Tuesday morning, I come home from work, my head reeling from being so confused and upset. Every Tuesday morning, at precisely 9:15am, Andrew gets a phone call from me, blethering like a little baby who just had her lolly ripped out of her fingers by an awful and rude man. I naturally, hate putting Andrew in this position.

Josh says that I never say anything nice about Andrew, so now I will start. Andrew is the greatest boyfriend in the world, because he puts up with my ridiculous phone calls, every Tuesday morning, at precisely 9:15am. Some may say that this is a duty of a boyfriend. I say that someone either has to be completely in love or completely mental to put up with that sort of bullshit.
Andrew has a list of reasons that he runs off from time to time regarding why he loves me. I know number two is because I never pull the door handle prematurely while waiting to get into his car. All the other numbers and reasons are not definite, I just remember that one because I like that one best.
I am Andrew's flour and he is a muffin. I hold his banana and nuts together. Clever and kinky at the same time. Only the work of a true master.
Andrew and I had sex the first time we met. When he saw me for the first time, after hearing a horrible account of an awful description of the girl he was conversing with, he thought, "This girl doesn't realise how beautiful she is." He told me this today. He also attempted to convince me that I had a face that could rival any super models, and suggested looking in a magazine to prove it. He did fail at this task, but of no account of his own. I have no confidence and that he says, is the one thing he wish he could change about me. Andrew made me feel beautiful.
Andrew will go to musicals with me, just not Cats. He actually thinks he would like musicals and would like to see Mamma Mia because he likes Abba. I never knew this and frankly, am a little ashamed that my boyfriend likes Abba. I think I'll manage to get over it.
He told me that I am the whole package and that while other girls maybe drop dead gorgeous or stupidly intelligent, I was the girl that won his heart because I had the right mix of everything. He said that I changed him, convinced him that being in a relationship was the best thing there is to be in and that he is the happiest he ever has been.

Andrew told me all of this and then I told him that I had feelings for another man and his response to that was:

"I understand. This relationship is hard for a lot of reasons and I wish I could be there for you to help it and make it easier. Your feelings for Josh, well, you have to figure those out for yourself. You just have to let me know if being in this is worth my time."

And that was it. He handled it with so much maturity and dignity I was completely overwhelmed and completely positive of why I want Andrew, the thing I need, that's been waiting down below.

He ended the conversation with a warm, "I love you... but please tell me that you'll never not let me play hockey because you're mad at me cause I didn't bring home bread. I would look like a pussy in front of all the guys." And the only thing I could do was smile.

Telling him about Josh released all the burdens of this mess and I feel a thousand times lighter.I've decided that I'm going to persue a transfer to a different Wal*Mart for the month of December. I think it would be in the best of interests for a lot of people and I think I'd genuinely enjoy it.