The Alternative.

I cannot articulate my thoughts verbally unless I'm really fuckin' mad. Not, "Oh my god, I can't believe you just lost my Ben Folds, Songs for Goldfish Album," I mean "Jesus Fucking Christ, I want to put my fist through your face 'cause what you're saying is burning me to the core of my very being, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, why are you making me hurt like this? MAD.
"It's not my fault that I'm this way. I blame it on God. He was the one who made me feel bad for opening my mouth.

Nights when there are no trucks are the nights when I go mad. Procrastinating in the isles leaves my mind idle and that is always the perfect time to solve all of my problems. Idiot. Josh read my angry post about his wife. I asked him before if he had and he said, "He would never do such a thing." I guess he lied.
He apparently has no comment or any recollection of any sort of feeling pertaining to my point of view. What he did say is that it's stupid and generally just laughed my thoughts away, while I tried to explain them better, something of which I am incapble of doing. Bottom line though, JOSH DOESN'T MIND.

FINE, I GIVE UP.

I will not ever be able to be alone with Josh again because of justified feelings from a third party.

FINE, I GIVE UP.

I'm not trying to break up his marriage, I'm just under the impression that someone seriously has to hate themselves something fierce to be FINE with fading into the shadow of someone else. And if the reason as to why you don't want to be alone with me is because you don't trust it, then JUST TELL ME THAT, 'cause that means this friendship has to end because I'm sick and fucking tired of being rejected for: 'CAUSE.

So I, JUST FUCKING GIVE UP.

If you want to be with me, you figure out how, and if you want to talk to me about this, you find the time to do it, and if you want to be my friend, go find the definition of friendship and apply it to whatever it is we have because you're seriously sucking at it right now.

Josh had also read yesterday's post. Apparently he's left a comment, but I haven't read it yet. He said that if was confusing and that it ultimately seemed that I was trying to justify my relationship. OF COURSE, I'm trying to justify my relationship. I need to figure out why I'm in it. I'm not a god-damned Beatle, Love isn't all I need. And love sure as hell isn't the sole ingredient to a properly functioning relationship.

Anyway, he said that maybe if I hadn't dated so many idiots, I wouldn't have such a problem now with finding a good man.
Andrew is a good man, he's just not your type of good and while you fuddle about with thousand dollar cameras to cover up the sickness in your marraige, I'll be happily slurping up some chicken soup, trying to remedy the problems in mine. I don't want money to be a representation of my love. And good gravey, I'm not dating Andrew for the bling. That is one of the reasons I wouldn't date him. I hate not being equal.
He then pointed out cleverely that the state of my confusion regarding men was probably some Freudian fuck up regarding my father, but couldn't tell me why.

THAT, burned me to the bone.

My father has hurt me more than anyone I have ever known. I don't need my mistakes in my relationships to fall on his shoulders as well, 'cause THAT I cannot fix.
He also said somewhere in this ball of hysterics that, "Someone who really cared about someone would MAKE them fix their problems." Well. Sorry everyone, I tried to fix everything for you, but apparently I'm coming up short. Somewhere along this road, I've forgotten how to take care of myself and now I'm in an awful fucking state. I'm such a selfish, selfish girl.

SO I JUST HAD TO FUCKING GIVE UP.

And then my thoughts turned to Andrew.
Last Friday he told me that he was proud of fucking a stripper. He had told me once before about how a stripper had left work to be with him, but neglected the rest of the sexing bit.
I do not want to date someone who is proud to have fucked a stripper. AND THAT, hurts more than all this mess because the only thing I can think of now is Andrew watching a half naked woman dance for him and the lust that I see in his eyes is making me ill.

So now, I've just given up. On everyone. On my dad, cause I'll never not be able to make him anything but a manic depressive alcoholic with a bad spending habit. My mother because she doesn't want to be anything but a victim. My sister, because her anger is a complete enigma to me. Josh because I never will ever truely exist to him. Mike because I can't tell him anything anyway. Katie because she lives in B.C. Rachel because I can barely keep my life together and Andrew because I'm not enough of anything to love him the way I should.

I'm done. I give up.