The Difference.

This post is going to suck to write.

It seems that the past handful of entries that I've committed to have been cryptic accounts of events from my twisted and all too surreal life. I guess I've been too nervous or rather, in too much denial, to actually post an honest one. I'm sure coming to terms with these reasons is why I think I'm borderline morally bankrupt.

It turns out that Josh had tried to respond to me this weekend, but his wife kept getting in the way. Three whole days to send me an email, and 105% of that time was an inapropriate time. I didn't get mad, I don't feel anything pertaining to his absense. Well, that's not true. I'm angry, but not because he didn't show or make an advanced effort to talk to me, but rather because I will never be able to make him have the time to show, or talk to me.
I suppose I wouldn't mind if the reason why he couldn't be concerned for me was because he didn't know how to, or because he just didn't want to. Those reasons I could easily deal with. Unfortunately, the reason is his FUCKING WIFE and while my blood boils when I think about being cutoff from Josh for stupid, fucking reasons, it turns out this time, his wife, has done me a fucking favour.

Being twenty-three, being in love, being on the border of becoming very committed to a man that seems like the perfect one, sucks.
Six months ago, I was completely sure that the only thing I wanted was to be with Andrew. Living in our little house in Toronto, painting the bedroom and talking about what to make for dinner. There is a large part of me that still does. I want that life, I want it very badly, and up until just recently, that little part of me that says, "what if?" has been hushed by my happy-go-lucky state of mind.
And then Josh had to walk in and muttle everything up. Of course it's not his fault. This scenario is the epitome of making the first/last mistake and having the world crumble under your delicate footing.

This situation is delicate. It's real fucked-up. No, I'm fucked up. This situation is delicate because I'm a fuck up.

There's no sense dodging around my relationship with Josh any longer. I've hid the meaning in it to protect the meaning of another and I think, keeping the shadowy account on here, is more frustrating than the actual relationship.
Josh means a lot to me. I don't know why.
I know why I like him. His smile makes me smile, his laugh makes me laugh, his cleverness makes me want to be clever and he, makes me feel beautiful. This, is hard to admit to anyone but him - Even my blog.
So now, that "what if" is ringing in my head. WHAT IF, relationships are supposed to make me feel the way Josh makes me feel? WHAT IF, I'm missing something in my relationship with Andrew? WHAT IF, Andrew isn't the one?

WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF??

It's not that Andrew makes me feel bad, it's just a different feeling altogether. Do I persue a risky relationship with any man for romance and paperback adventures, or do I settle into a warm love with a man who can provide and make a comfortable life for me? Which is the better and why am I crazy enough to even consider these feelings?
I love Andrew, it just seems that whenever something different is presented to me, I always opt for the difference.
The three days that Josh was not in my life was a big fucking slap in the face. Josh does make me feel different, but he doesn't make me feel right.
I know the circumstances of his life make it difficult for him to be available to me and I suppose I should be more sympathetic to his situation, but I'm not. I hate that he's made to be segregated from me. I hate that he has to hide me from his wife. I hate that the only way I really exist to him is through work and msn. I hate the way our relationship makes me feel about my relationship with Andrew and I HATE that it puts doubts into my fickle, fucking head.
But again, I'm not angry at Josh. I love him in my own little way. I just realised the importance of his distance and how much it needs to exist in order to keep both of our relationships at the right speed.

I'm sorry Josh, if this is cruel.
We didn't get to finish our conversation today, but this is how it would have ended:

"It's completely my fault for all this mess with Andrew. I feel awful for it."
"I don't think so."
"Why?"
"You think that all of your problems with Andrew are because of me?"
"Josh, you don't cause me any problems with Andrew. It's the way you make me feel, that causes all the problems with Andrew. To be very lame and quote Ben, 'Sometimes, everything you ever want floats above, sticking out it's tongue and laughing while, everything anyone could ever need is down below, waiting for you to notice.'"

Andrew, is all I fucking want. I just have to be smart enough to remember it when everyone makes the differences seem like the right fucking thing.