On The Side of the Road.

I listened to it at two o'clock yesterday and cried till three. Who the fuck knows why. I wish I could get off this birth control. I wish I could get off this woman scenario. It's making me fucking crazy.

I can't get these feelings out of me. They're bouncing around like a teenage idiot, hopped up on acid. I probably can't get them out because I don't know what they are. I don't know what they are 'cause I don't know what I've done or what I'm doing to cause them. Well, I do, but I can't tell if it's justified, or if they're spasms of insecurity.

I miss my boyfriend. This three-day-a-month visitation bullshit is starting to piss me off. I can't keep functioning like this and if he can, than I need to reevaluate what the fuck I'm doing in this relationship. Maybe that's why I feel so utterly void of consistenancy, 'cause I don't fucking have any.
I wish sometimes that he would be sweet... Or even, attempt to lie about how desperately he misses me because I don't believe him when he tells me. He's too busy living his chaotic life to remember his girlfriend two hours away. He's too busy telling stories about work, and silently slipping out of phone conversations to have a laugh with the people that pass by when I'm trying to tell him that I'm breaking inside.
But then he randomly appears on a day off and I am foolishly in so much bliss for a couple hours that I forget my discomfort, just long enough to keep my mind from thinking about breaking up.

Breaking up. With Andrew. There goes everything.

But now I can't tell if these decisions are because of the distance, because of who I keep in my mind, or because of who I keep in my heart. I can't tell if I'm concerned about finding a different kind of love to hold onto, or being bored with the one I have now. I want to know if I'm going to live in a happy farm house with kids and a husband. I want to know if being with Andrew is always going to be a staticky phone conversation with no emotional communication.

I've been with him for two years and the most he can commit to me is by letting me come up for weekends for compatibility tests.

He keeps me stable, he keeps me amused. He keeps me safe and he gives me endless opportunity for a future. Unfortunately, I can't find any adjectives to describe that future. It just is one.

I feel so bad for being so unsure.

I know I want what I can't have, but I can't decide if that means I should take what is here now, or if it means that I need to find something else or if I should just try to take it anyway. Maybe I just need to be alone again, but then, I'm alone now - I just happen to have a boyfriend hanging from the rafters.