Lost Cause.

"I went because you said you'd be there, a box of candy, smoke in your hair..." I can't get it out of my head man, this song. It's driving me crazy, but I love it 'cause the song's so good. LOVE just leaves you bruised... And I got the scars to prrroooovee it.

Mike was a fucking dork at work last night. I could tell by the way of his sideways glances that he didn't approve of my constant minute conversations with Josh, but I really didn't give a shit. Not last night anyway.
At the end of the night he just dropped the pile of skids between pets and toys and left miserably, like an old, disgruntled man with hemroids. After that he didn't say dick to me, in fact, the only thing he said to me on the way home was, "I'm so tired." I didn't say anything, I just bopped my head to the Ben Folds, thinking of how nice it would be to boot him out of my moving vehicle.
It occured to me after, that Mike, after all of his bitching about Josh, is more of an asshole. Josh has never, truely made me feel bad about myself and he doesn't press his highandmighty opinions on my naive person. I'm not scared of Josh, and I'm definitely more impressed with his character than Mike's. I can't think of one time where Josh has outrightly told me not to be friends with Mike, or even that he was a bad person. What it boils down to really is that Josh, knowing full well that Mike hates him, has never said a bad word about the boy.

I had a long blether with the wife today on the phone. I can barely remember punching in the numbers to call him, that's how tired I was. I do remember, bitching about the situation at work and feeling very annoyed afterwards.
We talked about the financial situation of my family and how it's stressing me out. Yesterday I found two saved messages on the voice mail that had been left by angry store owners, demanding the heaps of money my father owe's them. I also found red bank statements and unpaid bills and the worst part of it all is, that I'm not even trying to find them. They sort of just fall into my lap. It's almost as if my father wants me to find them, but what the fuck am I going to do about it?

Unfortunately, the conversation made my fears of my relationship with Andrew grow. It's not particularly fair to him, since what I need, he is incapable of giving. Of course though, they still grow and the bigger they get, the more difficult it is to calm them.
I realise that the only way for our relationship to work is for me to move to Toronto, but I know I can't do that now, I have to wait. A couple more months, eight to be exact and I should have a home with him, but what if the relationship is already too damaged to salvage? I think that is my biggest fear, moving away to find that what I moved for is dead.

I can't tell if the reason why my fears are currently so strong is because of how miserable all this money business and family business is making me. I can't tell if I'm falling out of love, or if I'm just flat out, making this mess by my own accord.
The only person that makes me remotely happy is Josh, but I can't have him either. The limitations that are set on him because of my sex and his wife's lack of faith are becoming emotionally draining.
I told Andrew today that Josh was a good friend and that out of all the people who I'm supposed to hang around with, he is the most loyal. Andrew seemed a little unsettled and I guess he should be, but he told me that he trusted me and that he knew I wouldn't put myself in a situation that would make him angry.

Of course I wouldn't do that.

I think maybe, I've just fucked everything up for myself. That seems to be the most basic of answers and probably, the most honest. My relationship is probably fading because I lost my footing. My friendships are diminishing because I expect too much from my friends. My life is a lost fucking cause, for so many reasons.