Josh: To Remain Happy, Don't Read This.

I've got black sharpee marks all over my arms and my right ear is oozing some sort of yellow ick. What is it that I have to do to make my ears not infected? My body needs to deal with being pierced, it's just the way it's going to be. These hoops, are not coming out of my head.

And lookie, Kilian has just plopped his fat, cat ass down on the pile of bills. I suppose he plans to join me for my random blog entry of the day. He is purring. Kilian, the only consistant male in my life, even if he is only using me for pats&scritches.

Josh, Derek and I were supposed to go to Taco Bell this morning, but the trip was cancelled because Josh couldn't come. That absense, or the inability to be available is starting to piss me off and it sucks because Josh is literally stuck between two annoyingly stubborn women and he can't please both of them at once.
The more I think about the situ, the more annoyed I become with his wife's stance on his life. Before it used to bother me that she wouldn't allow him to hang around me because I was a woman. Now it annoys me because she's not allowing Josh a life at all. It seems to me (in my humble and terribly highandmighty opinion), that Josh has a big fucking OWNED branded onto his forehead and THAT grinds my gears. Not only because it's stupid and fucked up, but because it's disgustingly unhealthy and the exact opposite of what a properly functioning marriage should consist of.
I don't know how he does it. I can't possibly comprehend how he deals with the paranoia. How he lives through the accusations of affairs and the massive lack of faith she has in herself, which projects unknowingly onto him. I think it's nice that he is so dedicated to his marriage. I think it's nice that he wants to be a true husband to his wife, and make up for all this mistakes her previous one committed. The only problem is that they're not his fucking mistakes to fix and SHE, out of all people has to come to terms with that.
I wish I could walk up to her and rattle her with my bare hands, pleading to let the child exist comfortably in all aspects of his life, and for once, not for my sake, but for the sake of their god damned marriage. He says that he's not upset about it, that he doesn't mind and that I don't know the whole situation. Obviously he's right. Unfortunately, from what he tells me and from what I see for myself, I just think it's a giant fucking waste.

It is so strange, to see someone who seems so independant, have his independance ripped away from him, by someone who doesn't even realise that she's doing it.
And I fear that this may sound selfish to the people who understand my relationship with Josh, but I'm afraid that his life is going to be consumed by the fear of keeping his wife in a happy place. I'm terrified of the day when he realises that he alone, will never be able to keep her there. I don't care how much of a heart of gold anyone has. Time either heals all wounds, or breaks tired hearts.

So in the midst of this giant crap-fest of frustration, I realised that Josh and I are not at all that different with our inability to just fucking talk. I dodge the important stuff with all sorts of words, he hides from it with his silence. Funny how frustrated he becomes with me. I wonder if he understands that I own the same frustration with him.

All I know now is that this relationship is getting easier to loosen my grip on. There are days when I think that him and I are as close as sardines and there are others, that make me feel like the biggest of idiots for thinking that I could ever have a meaningful friendship with him.

I never will abandon him, I've promised him that much already, but that invisible border of intentional distance is forming and it's probably for the best. I just wish he would figure out what the fuck he wants out of me before the last brick is laid.