Glug, Glug

I'm drained. So drained that I called in sick to prevent a breakdown. I feel like such a jackass when I call in to work, but I knew I couldn't handle the eight thousand skids of Christmas toys that awaited me on Saturday night. I just couldn't.

The worst part about this feeling is that I don't know why it's there. I can't think of anything that's overly awful right now, just Christmas shopping for the perfect presents and making time for my family when I don't have enough of it. I hate being this fragile, and I seriously think, I may loose my mind if everyone doesn't just leave me the fuck alone.

It's obviously my family that is making me go nuts, my family and Josh. It's actually quite funny that one of the major roots of the problem gave me the most solid piece of advice yesterday:

"Anna, you can't feel responsible for the situations people put themselves in. Stop being so nice to everyone."

HA! If only it were that easy.

Tonight I was moody. I can't imagine that I was a pleasure to work with, but that really doesn't bother me because the people I work with are moody 95% of the time. I deserve an off day.
Josh was quick to point out my nasty behaviour. He was also quick to avoid me and make me feel stupid for being so frustrated and crappy. He said that, I was supposed to be nice and he was supposed to be mean and when I asked if I was allowed to have a bad day, he said, "Of course."
After break, when I asked him what he would do if I acted like this all the time, he said, "I guess I would just mind my own business."

Does it ever occur to anyone that when people are in bad moods, they sometimes want people to be generally nice to them, and not indifferent and mindful of their own business? I don't want to run my problems constantly at work, especially to Josh because I've realised now that he just chalks my insanity up to problems with my parents and my inability to, "train them properly." But at the same time, it would be nice if Josh attempted to make an interest in my frustration. It's there for a reason, even if it is my family. His solutions to their problems don't work for me, they're MY fucking parents. Adults. People who have lived through the majoriy of their lives. They don't need some know-it-all twenty-three year-old lighting the way down a egocentric path of teenage bullshit and quick-fix-how-tos for their shitty existences. I'd be an awful fucking person if I was actually stupid enough to think that everyone's life would fit into the mold that I so comfortably enjoy.

Either way, Josh was oblivious to my bad mood tonight, but I'm not surprised. Afted I pointed out that I generally put up with his mean self every night, he casually commented, "You don't have to put up with my shit, I'm not holding a gun to your head."
Thanks a lot for that uplifting and carefully thought-out gem of wisdom. I feel so much better about our friendship. Gee, I guess now we're even better friends since you don't seem to give a shit about how I feel, or whether or not you're around during my moments of discomfort. I really appreciate your friendship man, I sure am glad that you clarified how much I mean to you too.

But of course I realise that Josh probably couldn't comprehend the impact of such a stupid comment.
I'm just so tired of him. Not because he's bad or because he's mean, or because he says careless things to a girl who cares about him too much but just because he's so oblivious. One day I, "mean more to him than almost anyone ever has." And the next I'm a disposable cum rag that he discards with such stupid and careless comments and they FUCKING HURT.

They fucking hurt.

The wall that exists in me that divides me from all the presences' in my life that have fucked me around has finally been constructed high enough to keep Josh out. No more flirting, no more rubbing feet under the table. No more concern for his relationship with his wife, no more internet chats, no more Taco Bell runs. If I am someone that means so much to him, he's gotta fucking start acting like it.