Cupid's a Fucking Asshole.

A couple days ago I was writing about how great it was to be in love. Today, the words, "You're holding me back." would have ruined the stupid fucking relationship. He's lucky he tacked on a continuing sentence.

Andrew's going to Las Vegas the week after the two of us go to New York with all of his buddies. I am excited for him. I know he'll have fun with all of his idiot friends, even though the ones he's going with seem to be complete assholes. I don't care though. Andrew's a grown man, and I trust him completely. There's no reason for me to worry.
But of course, the obligatory, "Please no strip clubs" comment came up and this is the conversation that persued:

"Well, if the guys are going, I gotta go."
"But Andrew, the idea of that place makes me really uncomfortable."
"Yeah, well, I don't want to go, but if my friends are going, I have to go."
"Oh."
"Yeah, it's not like I'm going to go out of my way to get them to go. I just don't want to be the guy that says he can't go because of his girlfriend."

I was so mad then, so hurt I couldn't talk. I just said I was tired and miserable and I didn't want to talk and hung up the phone. Forty minutes later, when I was so angry I couldn't sleep, I called him back.

"Andrew, I really want to yell at you right now, but I'm so tired I don't think I can."
"You're that angry?"
"Well yeah, you're telling me that you're more concerned about what your friends think of you than your girlfriend is. You're saying that you'd rather please a friendship than be concerned about the woman you love."
"It has nothing to do with making my friends happy. It's about going out and having a good time."
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

And then the world blew up.

I suppose I am still idealistic in the thought that when you are in love with someone, you would do things for them, with no thought what-so-ever. If Andrew came up to me tomorrow and said, "Look, Anna you're singing voice makes my skin crawl and my head pound. I hate it when you sing, can you please stop?" I would shut the fuck up.
It just seems to me, that when you love someone you give up the little things to make the relationship better. Apparently to Andrew, spending three hours in a strip club with his friends is too much to give up.
Eventually he relented. He said that, "If going to a strip club means not having you, I won't go." and the biggest guilt trip in the world followed.

"I'll tell the guys that I can't go 'cause my girlfriend won't let me."

There was more discussion.

He thinks that I think he's a pig and he's going there like some pervert to oogle naked women and drool over them. I think that if you're going someplace fully knowing that you're going to be aroused by another woman, it's intentional pain inflicted on me and that's enough for me to not want to be with him. But Andrew, doesn't. get. that.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE.

He had to go. I hung up, cried for awhile and promptly, called him again.

"Andrew, am I holding you back?"
"Yeah, I think you are. I'm really disapointed. I feel like I'm missing out on something. But if all this mess means that I'll loose you, I'd rather keep you and not go."
"But you still want to go?"
"Well yeah, I want to be there with my friends."

I told him then that sometimes I thought he wasn't in love with me. Or that whatever notions he had of love weren't the same as mine and that we maybe needed to find other people that understood our definitions of love. He disagreed.

This feeling is awful. I feel like I should be dumping him. I feel like I've become the girlfriend that he never wanted and that I'm in the way of his life. I feel like a god damned idiot.

So now, I'm sitting in my pjs, trying to figure out if I need to tell him it's over at 4:30 this morning.

I wish this conversation didn't happen. I wish Andrew wasn't so emotionally stupid. I wish naked women never existed.