Dear Joey Comeau.

I realized today that maybe my blog isn't so hard to find... And that maybe it would be easy to stumble into, especially if your name is written all over it.

I also realize now that maybe not everyone needs to read my feelings and that they could be hurtful to someone who doesn't know or understand me.

So Mr. Comeau, if you ever find this blog and you read my last entry and think, "Jesus Christ, this girl is insane!", please keep in mind that this is a place where I sort out of my thoughts. I am incredibly sorry if I said anything that could have done you wrong, as that was never the intention.

- A

Also, I enjoyed both of the books that I have read by you and I don't think you're a hypocrite, AND I'm not just saying that.

Mister.

I've taken to posting conversations or quotes in my blog that evoke an emotion in me that I want to remember. For the past little while, most of the feelings have been negative... I guess it's just made more sense to remember the shit things as opposed to the positive ones. For some bizarre reason, they register as more life defining.

I know I've posted before about my random insecurities - About being almost twenty-six and lacking a purpose or meaning in my life. I know I've written about falling in love, about the way men have made me feel, marriage, sex and my general expectations and dislikes of relationships. I don't know why, but suddenly all those posts seem a bit silly.

My aunt asked me two years ago if the man I was dating was, "the one." I've never really been too hung up on the idea of one person for the rest of time - I also think it's a bit insane to be able to know so early in a relationship. I told her I had no idea and she said, "Well he's not."

Retarded right?

I've just ended a two year relationship and have randomly stumbled into a new one.

Three weeks ago I wasn't keen on the idea of buying into a new boyfriend.

For the first time I had no expectations of a man and when I say that, I actually mean it. What I found was someone who mirrored the lack of expectation and in finding that, we somehow managed to slide into a state of mutual understanding. Whatever it was that we were doing needed to stay nameless - It needed to be slow and it needed to be respectful of the delicate situation that surrounded it. That didn't really work.

The emotions that I hold for this man are indescribable.

I've met an equal - Someone who shares the same terrors and insecurities as me. Someone who is vulnerable and unsure. Someone who understands that a relationship isn't a status, it just is.

And I don't want to trivialize it. This isn't cliche. He is not like the rest... Shit. Does saying that make it so?

I could spend the rest of my life lying in bed beside him, looking into his "tired" eyes.

But I of course don't see his tired eyes. I see a man looking at a woman who he wants to take care of and when I see that, his eyes start to sparkle and anything seems possible.

I see a strong and caring man who is loyal, honest, decent, kind and undiscovered. I see a person who is loved. Completely and utterly.

So for the first time in my life, the world has stopped.

I am standing still, in the arms of a beautiful man and I don't give a flying fuck about anything. I'm not scared, I'm not worried - The only thing that seems to matter, are his sparkling eyes.

Swoon.

I usually build walls to hide behind. It takes a special person to find the desire to take the time to break through them. But with you I never even started to build walls, you just walked in and I trusted you, completely and unquestionably. Is it stupid? Maybe. Could it be a mistake? Sure, but I don't care. You have stripped me completely to my raw self, I'm an open book cover to cover and I want you to read every page.

I Have Chosen Poorly.

Brettzky says: (4:24:02 PM)

hey

balling diddums says: (4:24:09 PM)

?

Brettzky says: (4:24:32 PM)

What? you still have me on here and facebook....sooo I'm gonna talk to you

balling diddums says: (4:25:34 PM)

What good do you think that's going to do exactly?

balling diddums says: (4:25:59 PM)

Dude. This is borderline creepy. If you told someone to leave you alone, what would you do if they kept talking to you?

Brettzky says: (4:26:42 PM)

Not sure never have.  That being said though i find it odd you haven't done like i told you to

Brettzky says: (4:26:59 PM)

Usually if you don't want anything to do with anyone you cut all ties with them

Brettzky says: (4:27:04 PM)

Like on here and facebook

balling diddums says: (4:27:55 PM)

Dude, I don't hate you, I just think that you and I aren't very compatible friendship wise and no matter what I say or do, you never seem to get it.

balling diddums says: (4:28:11 PM)

Like, "I find it odd you haven't done like I told you to" Wtf is that? 

Brettzky says: (4:28:40 PM)

Umm you haven't taken me off msn or facebook....if you don't wanna talk to me, best to do that

Brettzky says: (4:28:41 PM)

Dumbass

balling diddums says: (4:29:05 PM)

But it doesn't even matter because when you say things that bother me, all you do is justify your actions with some sort of bullshit pride answer and never attempt to understand why you may make me feel like crap or why the shit you say is offensive.

balling diddums says: (4:29:48 PM)

And that is why I don't want to talk to you. 

Brettzky says: (4:29:56 PM)

Right..was sooo mean to you last time i saw you.

balling diddums says: (4:30:51 PM)

My friend Mark and I went out last week and we went to the same pub that you and I went to and as we were crossing the street I said to him, "the last time I was here, the only thing the guy that I was with talked about was all the women he wanted to bang. I don't get that, why do men tell other women about their fucks? Its not admirable."

balling diddums says: (4:31:13 PM)

And He said, "Yeah, that's a bit fucked, but I can do that too if you want... but with men... I totally want to fuck Sean Connery." And it was FUNNY, but with you, its just weird.

Brettzky says: (4:31:57 PM)

Its called something guys do.  especially ones that work in a kitchen

Brettzky says: (4:32:19 PM)

And gay guys are like girls so your friend mark doesn't exactly count.

balling diddums says: (4:32:21 PM)

Yeah, the sooner you get that I'm not a guy, the better AND the guys that i hang around with don't do that. 

balling diddums says: (4:32:28 PM)

And Mark is straight.

balling diddums says: (4:32:57 PM)

He's just not a macho, pig headed retard who thinks that the only thing that matters in life are Pearl Jam, fucking pretty girls and food.

balling diddums says: (4:33:12 PM)

Which is usually the extent of every conversation I've ever had with you.

Brettzky says: (4:34:07 PM)

Guess what? food rules my life.  I'm reading a book called in defense of food.  Most activities I do revolve around food.  

Brettzky says: (4:35:29 PM)

And as for being pig headed, that's rather unfounded.  ask me something about culture, lit., or whoa even other kinds of music and i can damn well keep up a convo with you

Brettzky says: (4:35:29 PM)

So don't you fucking dare call me that.

balling diddums says: (4:36:13 PM)

I've read In Defense of Food.

balling diddums says: (4:36:22 PM)

And again, you don't get it.

balling diddums says: (4:36:34 PM)

And if you don't want me to tell you the truth, than maybe you should block me.

Brettzky says: (4:36:46 PM)

Truth? riiiight

balling diddums says: (4:36:53 PM)

You're such an idiot.

Brettzky says: (4:37:04 PM)

You're such a sensitive bitch

balling diddums says: (4:37:19 PM)

Thanks?

balling diddums says: (4:37:59 PM)

WTF man. Maybe the reason why you don't have a girlfriend is because you're so unbelievably self absorbed with the things that matter in your life, you don't get that other people don't want to talk about them ALL THE TIME.

balling diddums says: (4:38:58 PM)

And just for the record, I don't find any of the stuff you do or say overly offensive, just annoying as all fuck. The only times I get mad at you are when you say shit about my friends, ie assuming my friend Mark is gay just because he's man enough to say he'd fuck another man as a joke.

balling diddums says: (4:38:59 PM)

Jesus.

Brettzky says: (4:40:23 PM)

Right self abosorbed...that's why i find out what's going on with other people.  uh huh.  you're so fucking narrow minded Anna, at least when it comes to me.  you see one thing n that's it

balling diddums says: (4:41:02 PM)

Lol. and what is it that I see in you?

balling diddums says: (4:41:34 PM)

And really Brett? Freaking out on me after my grandmother almost died because I wouldn't be able to make it to your dinner is kind of the epitome of self absorbed.

Brettzky says: (4:43:06 PM)

Its called school matters to me and that was one of the most important days of my life.  as in, if i don't get married, that might be right up there with most important day of my life.  and she almost died.  not like she did.

Brettzky says: (4:44:28 PM)

What?  floored that I just said that?  sorry, but you forget something, I'm not close with my family.  lil insensitive when it comes to family things.  Like death.

Brettzky says: (4:44:32 PM)

Or almost death

balling diddums says: (4:45:07 PM)

Oh my god, this conversation is going on blog.

Brettzky says: (4:45:35 PM)

Fine...like i give a fuck. 

Brettzky says: (4:46:04 PM)

I find it rather pathetic you have to put something private like this on your blog.

balling diddums says: (4:46:05 PM)

I can't believe you just said that, "Its not like she died or anything." Holy crap. You're not self absorbed at all!

balling diddums says: (4:46:22 PM)

I'm sorry, there wasn't a disclaimer in the beginning about privacy.

Brettzky says: (4:46:31 PM)

Going ot send me the link again so i can read it and feel my eyes open wide for me for the first time?

Brettzky says: (4:46:33 PM)

Huh?

balling diddums says: (4:46:47 PM)

And I'm laughing, I think this is fucking hilarious and absolutely stupid. Its like, holy fuck, look at what you just wrote and tell me that I'm wrong, you can't!

Brettzky says: (4:46:52 PM)

I'm not self abosrbed anna.  she almost died

Brettzky says: (4:47:02 PM)

I almost died a couple times in the last half year.

Brettzky says: (4:47:09 PM)

Dont see me going and getting all upset about it

balling diddums says: (4:47:27 PM)

She almost died, yeah and she could have died in the hospital. Seeing my grandmother for maybe the last time or eating your food. Hrm. Obviously a tough choice, CLEARLY I choose poorly.

Brettzky says: (4:50:15 PM)

Didnt say you did.  you dont get it though.  someone almost dying (happened ot my grandpa a few dozen times) doesnt phase me.  someone dying, diff. story.  god grow a lil skin

balling diddums says: (4:51:07 PM)

And this is why I don't want to be your friend anymore Brett. You can't respect that we're different and you have no desire to understand why we are, nor do you have the desire to appreciate it. You just tell me I'm wrong.

Brettzky says: (4:51:15 PM)

I also find it funny that you cant let that go.  get over it

balling diddums says: (4:51:31 PM)

Message me all you want, but I assure you, all of our conversations, if I choose to talk to you, are just going to be like this one. I thorougly enjoy arguing with you. Its terribly funny.

My Stupid Sister's Advice re. Our Mother.

Chelseao: to live as if something actually depended on one's actions... says:

We both agreed those conversations are kind of normal when you reach adulthood. I dunno, its tough to make that transition, but seeing mom not as a mom anymore, but a person (or friend) with her own problems is the reality of growing up.

Chelseao: to live as if something actually depended on one's actions... says:

I don't think its right to stop talking to her. family's important...i think...

balling diddums says:

No. fuck you. Its not the reality of growing up. Mom fucking abused me, and I'm not going to treat her like my fucking friend when she still treats me like a five year old fucking child and someone to fucking gripe at when no one else will listen to her bullshit.

Balling diddums says: 

You want to be the bigger person that deals with mom, good for you. Let me know how that works out for you when you go back home and live with her for a week.

Chelseao: to live as if something actually depended on one's actions... says:

there's a better way to argue with someone than swearing your face off.

Chelseao: to live as if something actually depended on one's actions... says:

You can't blame other people for YOUR life. take some fucking responsibility and get over it.

Chelseao: to live as if something actually depended on one's actions... says:

that really hurt to type, but you need to hear it.

Chelseao: to live as if something actually depended on one's actions... says:

yah she was a horrible mother, but that doesn't mean your unhappiness is her fault.

Chelseao: to live as if something actually depended on one's actions... says:

It's how we deal with things that make us who we are.

balling diddums says:

I'm not swearing my face off. This is who I am. I swear. A LOT. And if you perceive it as negative, I really don't give a shit.

balling diddums says:

Wow Chelsea. You have no fucking idea what I fucking lived, or what my life was like and you have a lot of fucking nerve to tell me I can't be mad at our mother for things that I didn't feel supported about. Its pretty easy to get over all the shit that you had to deal with when you just run away from it, isn't it?

balling diddums says:

I don't want to talk to you anymore. Not tonight anyway.

Brettsky.

I don't know why I gravitate to the people I do.

I've come to notice that I usually click with douchebags and I'm not entirely sure why. Actually, I should probably rephrase that: I've come to notice that I think I click with douchebags. I obviously don't, as most of the normal populace of the universe doesn't enjoy being around jerks, but for some reason, I always find myself around them.

So this makes me wonder, am I a jerk? Do I possess something that welcomes me unannounced into their club? Am I a walking target? Do I like being shat on by people who just don't understand the importance of being good to their friends (and I use that term loosely, as I've also noticed that these people I'm around, usually don't understand the meaning of that word).

I've also noticed that I tend to justify being around jerks, even though they've wronged me. Je suis tres stupide.

Fortunately for myself, after years of dealing with my mother's empty apologies and painful comments I've somehow managed to understand that there is a line, and although it may take me a few brutal comments to realize that that line has in fact been crossed, at least I've finally found it.

Yesterday I told my friend Brett that I didn't think he was someone that should be in my life anymore.

He didn't ask why, he wasn't shocked, he wasn't sad. In fact, he gave no visible sign of any type of an emotion. All he said was, "OK" and went on his merry.  I said in response, "And this is why I've decided to end our friendship", and he said, "Sure."

How do you do that?

How can you spend X amount of time with someone and consider them a friend and then just say, "OK" when they decide never to talk to you again? That's fucked!

The worst part about this was that when I decided to tell him that our friendship was over, I was very unsure of the decision.

I understood that he was disappointed about my inability to visit him during something important in his life, but it was beyond my control and the fact that he held that against me, bothered me considerably. That part I let go.

When I told him that I couldn't go because my grandmother had a stroke and a heart attack the day before my departure for Stratford and his only reaction to the bad news was, "Well, I guess that's a valid reason", was when I decided I had enough of his self-centered bullshit.

He never asked how I was, he just jabbered on about his dinner. There was no concern, no apologies for my pain or stress, just, "You're missing a good dinner." That's when I told him he was an asshole, and that was when he told me that if I wanted to talk about my grandmother, I just had to say so.

It is sad that there are people in this world who have been hurt so badly that they've forgotten what its like to relate to people. 

I hope there is a day when Brett is able to relate to an honest and sincere individual again. I hope he realizes that there is more to life than what is going on in his universe and I sincerely hope that he acknowledges that he will be very lonely until he manages to do these things.

The Wonderful World Of...

I'm going to Disney World!

The boyfriend and I decided a few nights ago that it was due time that him and I took a vacation. I think it was me that suggested Disney World and it was more than mildly exciting to have a boyfriend who was actually enthused by the suggestion. 

It may have something to do with him being an animator. Probably that. 

So the saving of money has begun.

This evening I pooled all of our cold-hard-coinage together and I came up with 78 bones. That's crazy exciting.

I hope I get to swim with a mermaid.