Uniforms, Coffee & Quack.

"So how far away are you from getting your name changed?"
"Five to Ten maybe? What about you?"
"I'm already there."
"Shit."
"Yeah, shit."

And of course the loud grumble of eight hundred midlife crisis motorcyle men broke the silence. No kidding, there was actually eight hundred.

I met Jaysun in college. My sister knew him from basketball and I somehow ended up spending a whole night talking to him on her msn. Eventually we met in one of the cafeteria's near the gym, after my illustration class on a Wednesday. I was wearing a red baseball shirt and my favourite pair of cords. That was almost four years ago.

We never dated. Jaysun was the all star basketball player. He was also at the top of his Police Foundations class, six foot seven and stupidly funny. I was one of the people that semi-confidently walked around with a giant tackle box full of airbrushes, oils and pencil crayons. People looked at us strangely when they saw the bright red and black hair collide with the basketball shorts.
Every Thursday he would come to my house after class and we'd akwardly play fight like silly teenagers showing affection for the first time. We talked about dating once or twice, but there was always an ex girlfriend, or asinine amounts of school work, so we just let it go.
We created an unspoken tension between the two of us. There were times where we ended up fondling eachother in the midst of frustration, but that was always only as far as it went.

After graduation we both went our own ways and up until today, I hadn't seen him in two years.
Jaysun's in the Military now and I'm a normal-looking, redhead. We both eyed eachother in disbelief, and then casually slipped back into our comfort zones.

"You're twenty-five minutes late."
"I'm ten minutes late, you freak."
"When I say 11 o'clock, I expect you to be fifteen minutes early. Military time, dammit."

We went for lunch in a tiny pub on the shore of Lake Erie. We talked about our jobs and our money problems, wives and families. After we stopped along the parkway and lazed about on a little man-made island on the shore, across from Navy Island.
It was a quiet and simple day - perfect in all respects. I miss him so much. The couple of hours that I spent with him today was a giant portal to my past memories and emotions. We never had a chance to see if things between us would ever work, and now both of us are highly committed to two, very different people and my heart feels at a loss.
He muttered to me at one point:

"Why is it that whenever you're in a relationship, you don't want to be in it? And of course, when you're not in one, you always want to be?"

And I casually smiled and poilitely ignored the question, 'cause really, what can I say to that? I agree? I'm in a relationship with a man I completely adore, but at the same time, when I'm with you, I adore you as well? There's nothing that can be said because nothing is all I could and had to say.

Eventually we hobbled back to my car and that's when he told me that he was going to be stationed overseas in a year and for the first time, in a long time, I felt my heart break. Jaysun being in the Military, of course he'd have to go, but for some reason it never registered.

Suddenly there's this overwhelming feeling to be with him every minute of every day. To take him away from this stupid function of fighting other people's battles, and to keep him safe in my incapable arms. What the hell am I to do?

We've decided to spend our weekend together. To go to the beach, and eat hotdogs and ice cream and be silly kids in college again that didn't have to worry about car payments and OSAP loans. We want to be innocent and friendly, but at the same time I realise that there is an ocean of unspoken emotions swelling between the two of us.

I know we're both incapable of hurting our significant others and I know we both hold too much respect for eachother to mess up our futures. So why does it feel so wrong to want to be with him?