The Freak Out.

So I'm still sorta stressed out about life.
I never thought life, in it's all-encompasing glory, would reak such havoc on my lately, very tangible and fragile existence. It seems far too cliche, far too grown-up, far too stupid. But here I am, confuzled by the greatest roadblock of my time and I currently, am calmer than a tuna-stuffed, ten pound cat that's napping in a strip of filtered sunlight.

What the fuck is going on?

I was freaking out on Sunday. Mir and I had a chat about moving-in with Andrew and she frankly stated:

"Well, even if it doesn't work out with you two, you can at least move up there for the year and after, well, you can decide what you want."

WTF?

So, after that, I sorta started to go all girl, and my brain was blown to pieces by all the nagging suspicions of an ended relationship and FINALLY the sad feelings came and I suddenly found myself saying, "Oh my God, Andrew and I may be breaking up." And the only thing that came was pure panic.
So, I came to a decision: 'I don't have anymore time to fuck around. Tell Andrew he has to figure out what he wants. Tell Andrew he has to let me know if we're staying together. Give Andrew the ultimate ultimatum: Tell me by the end of the week, or we're through'

Fuck.

So I told him, on the phone, on his way to work, like the sick little cunt that I am and he lost it.

"I don't know if I want to be with you. I'm waiting for a check from the government for $20,000 that has to be here within the next week, or I won't even have a place for us to live. I have to visit two banks tomorrow, call a lawyer, work a ten hour shift and the whole time this is going on, I have my girlfriend bitching in my ear and I'm REALLY STRESSED OUT."

And so I cried.
I had never heard Andrew that angry before. I was scared, I was hurt, I was mad and I was relieved. Finally, my boyfriend has another tone other than monotone. Thank you Jesus.

So by the end of the conversation I was still crying, but he had promised me that no matter how it worked out, whether we stayed together or not, he would use all of his resources to help me find the right place for myself, whether it be in Toronto or somewhere else, he just needed me to be the strong one for now.
So at first I was pissed off. Fuck him for being so selfish in the midst of my twenty-life-crisis and then it dawned on me: Andrew's been there for me through all of my mini breakdowns over the last two-and-a-half years and now when he needs me, I'm loosing my cool. I can wait to figure this out. Another week won't kill me.
So I told him not to worry, we'd figure it all out after the third.

And now, I'm full of peaceful serenity. Like a calm ocean on a beautiful day, and for once, in this whole mess of oblivious crap, I'm not concerned about what colour I'm going to paint the livingroom.