Vagina.

The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Perhaps it was the anticipation of being able to sleep in that caused me the oh-so-fucked up dream. It was more likely the ridiculous amounts of sugar cookies consumed coupled with the paint fumes from the christmas ornmanets I was attempting to decorate. Yup. That was probably it.

What I remember is sitting on the Toronto subway, in full elven getup marvelling at the strange men in the orange jumpers who were leaping onto the back of the train as we moved down the tracks at ridiculously fast speeds. I couldn't figure out what these strange men were doing until I randomly caught a glimpse of the tracks. Apparently the insanely high winds that had been daunting the city had blown a shitload of craft paper all over the tracks and so their purpose was, to pick up that paper.
There was some sort of conversation exchanged between myself and my companions. I didn't know who they were, or why we were on the subway in full LOTR costumes, but this was apparently quite normal and so, I rolled with it.
The men in the orange jumpers left the train at the next stop (I think it was Chester) and continued to speedily remove all the debris from the tracks. One of them died. Risky business, this paper picking.
It became quite clear to me when we got off the subway that we were on some sort of mission. My company consisted of a giant (In Hagred proportions), a white horse and some strange boy with striking childlike features, we were an odd group. Eventually the giant and I had a falling out and so he joined the ranks of the bad dudes, and so we began to run. This part is a bit of a haze.
The forest that we came to was more of a giant Wal*Mart. The paths consisted of the isles and the trees changed depending on the department you were currently residing. We walked up and down the paths and eventually befriended some weird looking creature that had a giant hooked nose for a face. He literally looked like the back of a hammer, but without the divide between the two pieces of metal. He was smooth and wet, the way a whale would appear and he had black beady eyes. He was all together rather scary looking, but he guided us through the maze of weirdness and so all was well.
When we realised that the giant was chasing us, I stupidly assumed we would find shelter from his eyes under a purple shrub that was rather sparse. We were obviously found, and then the most stunning part of the dream occured. The giant picked up the hammerhead and began to squeeze his face into his bellybutton. The hammerhead didn't scream, didn't flinch, didn't do much of anything, he just let it happen - Almost like he knew that it was his destiny. The giant laughed, his belly began to shake and then like watching a damn crack open, spurts of blood began to bust through his stomach. He kept laughing.

That was when I woke up.

Dinner at my mum's side of the family was this evening. I wish I could recall the terribly painful jibber-jabber that flowed through the course of supper, but I think my head broke half way through the night.
I remember my Uncle Mike saying, "Patrick O' Patrick" at least nine times when my cousin introduced her boyfriend to us all. He also had a conversation with the perogies and told a terrible joke about a "Queer" who had wheels on his boat. It went something like this:

Queer: Hey Steve, I have wheels on my boat?
Steve: You do? Really? Where?
Queer: Just down there Steve... Can't you see them?
Steve: Down here?

And at this point in the joke Steve bends over to look at the wheels and the Queer sticks his penis in his bum.

HA ha ha ... ha

There was also some terrible home made wine that smelt so repulsive that it burned the inside of my nose from across the table, Jell-o that had actually melted onto the tablecloth and a lot of salty ham.
My mum at one point told everyone about my new boyfriend, and how he did all the animation for the Red Green Show. It then occured to me that he needs to come to my Christmas dinners for artistic inspiration. He could make a lot of money off of my crackpot relatives.

Christmas just isn't the same anymore.