And So It Begins... Again.

I'm back in Toronto. Back in Toronto and oddly feeling the EXACT feelings I did three years ago when I came here in the first place. Fear, depression, anxiety and they're directly influencing everything that I do and everyone I relate to.

I left the Stone Road on Friday as late as I possibly could. I figured that as long as I kept working the impending doom of making a giant change in my life (yet again), would at least be put off by another couple of hours. I even went as far as begging a friend to go out with me after for coffee. Unfortunately he was needed in the kitchen, so my scheme was dashed and I drove to Toronto.

I got here, sat down on the couch and fell asleep.

It always seems that when I start to get used to something, I somehow manage to fuck it up by leaving. Ever since I was 19, I haven't been comfortable for an extended period of time. I've felt neglected, hated, lonely and completely unbalanced and just when I finally get used to how I've decided to live my life, I also decide that its time for me to move on. 

Strange that I haven't gotten used to this feeling. You'd think after seven years, you would.

This past week had been an excellent one.

I spent most of my time with my new friend Brett. Not only did we have laughs after work, but I also trained him on bread. We had worked together for almost six months at the Stone Road before we really became friends. I think it's safe to say that I found him repulsive in the beginning. Now after understanding him better, and actually finding the grace and patience in myself to allow him to explain slowly why he is the way he is, I think he's a delightful person. He still is a douchebag sometimes, but I've learned to overlook it, only because his better points strongly outweigh the bad.

I think the highlight of the week was going to the Riverbend to have my friend Frasier cook for us. The food was mind blowing and spending the evening talking about food and all of it's glorious possibilities while sitting on a patio that overlooked vineyards along with an amazing sunset... Well, I was severely content with my life. It was simple and full of possibilities and I was sad that it was beginning to change.

But I imagine its for the better. I hope.

The Stone Road sent me off in style. 

They gathered me in the dining room, adorned me with cards and presents (one of which being a book about sourdough breads that lit a very excited fire under my ass), and said some nice words about me moving on and how much they enjoyed my bread.

It was hard.

I found myself fighting back tears more than once. 

When you decide to do this for your life, the kitchen becomes your home. It also becomes your family and every time you leave one, you have to relearn everything. Your behaviour, your abilities, your expectations, they all change and its hard - Its hard because you fall in love with everything in that space and it seems impossible that you'll ever find another family that could compare to the one you just left.

Leaving sucked.

And so now I'm here, writing in my blog for the first time in a long time because I am at a loss.

How do I function now? How do I look at my boyfriend knowing that all the passion I have for him has been stomped out by fear and anxiety? How can you look ahead and hope that your next experience will be as good as the last? 

I can't. 

And so now I wait.