Boyfriends Suck.

I think its perfectly logical that I'm troubled by the fact that the man I am head over feet in love with was fucking someone else for the first two months of our relationship. From what I gather from him, he doesn't understand why I would be. I'm not sure if that bothers me more than the actual fucking.

I suppose I should point out now that this is not a topic that bangs around my head often, nor has it over the year that I've spent with my boyfriend. It unfortunately has its moments that make me feel like complete crap and while those moments are few and far between, the fact that they exist is enough to prompt me to blog about it.

The whole thing is just a bit fucked up - Probably because I can't actually finger why it bothers me.  

I've seen this girl, I've read her facebook profile, I've heard stories about her character and her insecurities and the impression that I've gotten from all of these outlets leaves me thinking that her relationship with the boyfriend was nothing more than a reason to get laid with a couple video games on the side. The boyfriend defends it as something different and perhaps the fact that he defends it is what actually bothers me most.

Either way the whole thing is a bit shit. 

I think its strange that he sees it as a relationship, even though they barely saw each other and when they did, they would just see theatre and screw. I think of that as a fuck friend, but the romantic inclinations of his over-emotional and sentimental soul chalk it up as something else. Is it more to him because he's sensitive or am I just completely wrong.

And if I'm completely wrong, why is he not mad? Why isn't he mad that she dumped him through an email, or that she left a cruel comment when it was all said and done? Why wasn't he hurt that she sucked on another man's face right in front of him in a very public setting?

When I engage in a relationship, I emote, but yet, I saw no emotion so how can it be? And why does he defend it? I hate that he defends it.

There are moments when I think of her and wish I wouldn't have stuck with him because it hurts so much to think of him with another woman that I simply don't think its worth the heartache. 

And I never feel this way about any of his other girlfriends or friends, its just her. I should have waited for him to figure out that it wasn't right before I became romantic with him, I should have stood my ground and stayed away.

I suppose this would be easier if he didn't think fondly of her, or if he didn't look back on her as a girlfriend that just didn't work out. I wish he could say she was a mistake, or at least someone that he regrets being with and not because it causes me to hurt, but because he simply sees it as a point in his life that was foolish.

But I doubt he will.

And I doubt he'll ever understand how much this bothers me.

Perhaps I should just find someone else to sleep with for two months and let him hang in limbo while I decide which one to keep and which one to chuck. I wonder how he'll feel during it? I wonder if he'll think of me with another man and cry while I enjoy myself in his company physically and mentally. I wonder if he'll feel awkward as I tell him stories about my other lover - the things he does and how he makes me feel. I wonder how he'll react, if he'll be jealous or just happy that I'm happy?

Either way, its a lost cause as it will obviously never happen.

Its just unfortunate that there's no way to fix this. It boils down to me either getting over it or walking away completely. 

There are some days where I feel like walking away would be the better of the two options, a more justified response to the turmoil and frustration that sits inside me - Or maybe just a reaction of spite to finally make him understand.

I hate this feeling.