The Growl.

I quickened my step as I left Josh's house today.

I quickened my step because I have sincerely and honestly, never been so scared in my life.

I cannot describe the feeling that occurs in a woman when she feels like prey. I cannot describe what it feels like to be (more than likely rightfully), persued relentlessly by a sexually frustrated friend and I definitely cannot describe what it feels like to owe someone something; something that you can absolutely not give.

It was very obvious that Josh wanted something more than some hardcore Sonic the Hedgehog gaming today. I didn't know how to avoid it. I thought that my actions dictated my thoughts - I thought that the message was loud and clear:

NO! I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANY SORT OF SEXUAL CONTACT WITH YOU.

But it wasn't.

He didn't do anything until I left the house.
As I trotted down the steps to his porch, a frustrated growl rang through the air. It wasn't a little squeak coming out of a sex-starved, teenage boy. It was a full blown howl that almost sounded angry and cruel. It was quite possibly, the scariest thing I have ever heard.

So I picked up the pace, crossed the street and got into my car.

I looked back at the livingroom window and what I think I saw, I will not mention 'cause it's just not mentionable.

I was scared when I drove away. I was pissed when I turned onto the Parkway.

Fuck him for putting me in that position. Fuck him for creating and implying the idea that I owe him something. Fuck him for being so stupid. And fuck him for making me feel so tiny.
I told myself once in my life that I would never let another man do that to me, and here it is, with Josh, staring me blankly in the face and I'm more than sure most of it's my fault. And I'm sure I'm opening a whole new can of worms by posting this, but I don't care. I'm too fucking angry.

I should have listened to Andrew.

When I got home I called Andrew and told him what happened.
There were no, "I told you so's." Or, "You made this mess, what do you expect?" Or, "You need to stop being friends with people who don't deserve your friendship." Just... "I want to kill him."
I probably shouldn't have told Andrew. I was freaked out and mad and really had no one else to tell. The situation was awful and the situation still is awful and I don't want any part in it.

I think Josh, after all the buttons he's pressed on my very long panel of buttons, has finally run down my patience.

I think Josh, finally fucked up badly enough for me to never want to talk to him again.