Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

I wrote once,

"Sometimes I think that I'm far from human.
Sometimes I think, ewe gah, maybe I'm a feminist. Sometimes I think that maybe I should become a lesbian because as I do generally loathe the majority of the female race, I don't understand a male mind and frankly, don't ever want to.
It's hard to remain betwixt two races that seem so utterly different and stupidly selfish compared to myself. I just want to find one person that's NORMAL. Whether they own a five inch dick or a pussy the size of a bus, I don't care. Just someone who is incapable of unleashing a world of pain and frustation on my ass, that doesn't want to, "do" Lindsy Lohan 'cause she's half naked on the cover of Vanity Fair - WHO CARES THAT SHE'S A MENTALY UNSTABLE ANOREXIC PYSCHO? SHE'S HOT! Or someone that doesn't want to stay up all night and discuss strategical tactics to become the world's best American Idol.
I just want someone that wants me and only me and doesn't want to look at other women, or be a stupid, stupid girl because hey, that's what gender roles do. I JUST WANT A SIMPLE, FUCKING NORMAL HUMAN. "

I don't understand why it's impossible to find that.

I've never felt special. I've never felt overly loved or cared for. I don't know what it's like to be romanced, I don't know what it feels like to be bursting with love and I am sick and tired of wondering what is so awful about me that makes me undeserving of these qualities.

I'm so tired of being fucked. And lied to. And having parents pick on me because of their failed marriages.
I'm so tired of being alone while I'm not and I am so glad that I am finally going to be able to find some sort of peace now that I am absolutely alone.

He didn't even put up a fight when I said it was over. He admitted through his silence that his friend's think I'm a freeloading witch. He still doesn't get that shelling out cash doesn't equal love and that expressing his love means that he has to put more than five seconds of thought into a car ride and a cold coffee.

Why do I have to feel this way NOW? Why didn't he try to make it better and why am I crying?

What the fuck does it matter anyway.