Reason.

Two weeks ago I was standing in the kitchen chopping herbs and the world left me.
For five minutes I was not here, nor there or anywhere. I was in a bubble, a dimension completely void of other human life, sound or thought. I was standing at a table, with a giant fucking knife in my hand, chopping up plants and I was completely alone.

I'm lucky I didn't cut off my hand. I'm lucky enough to not have jumped off the edge of a nervous breakdown.

I don't know why it hit now.
Ever since highschool I've been searching for an identity that was stolen from me when I realised God wasn't reasonable. There were pockets of friendships that kept me content because I blended in with something else, and I suppose that's what kept my feet firmly planted. These days, there really isn't anything to keep me grounded because I do not fit in with anything or anyone.

There have been instances of religious debates over the past few weeks that have spun me so tight that whenever someone mentions the name of God or Science, I want nothing but to crawl away from what I see now as nothing but filthy and mindwarping conversation.
I've listened to Ian express his new politics in regards to science. I've watched Mr. Dawkins' BBC documentaries on thinking with reason and logic and the only thing that I've concluded from these lectures is that Science and God are exactly the same thing.*
I used to think that my sister was clever for getting herself involved in all of this biomechanics mumbo-jumbo that's been floating around her ever since her third year of Univeristy. Now all I see it as is a new way to find meaning to a life that is otherwise worthless. Be it Science or God, they serve the same purpose: To comfort our ridiculous little minds.
I listen to Ian preach his new religion and I see the elation in his eyes at the mention of Dr. Dawkins and my sympathies run short because he is just as pathetic as any other soul that is searching for a reason to exist.

This hurts me because I've lost the drive to search for that reason. It bothers me because both sides are trying to convince the other that they're (when it all boils down to it), really fucking stupid. I find it incredibly disturbing that someone has made that goal, their life's work.

Dawkins is a very brilliant man. I don't disagree with his his desire to inspire people to stop being bambozooled by religions that are doing nothing but robbing us of our ability to think rationally. But I wonder if that by doing so he's somehow managed to convince a group of people to follow his scripture and I suppose the only reason as to why it's right is because it is tangible thought.
I imagine that if he ever read this he'd be able to prove my rant completely wrong because he is simply smarter than me. All I know is that now, after comparing Ian to a Jesus Freak, I see no difference. Just the same man, shouting a law to live by on the corner of the street, struggling to find a definition for this life.

But I suppose that I do agree with this Science only because I lack the ability to put faith in someone or something these days. Probably because I've lost my desire to love.

So Science, I ask you this: Why does the right combination of notes in a song split me open? Is a chemical imbalance so strong that it causes me to cry to the point of driving off the road in the middle of the night just because Ben hit a sweet chord? Are you resopnsible for the OCD that is preventing me from actually enjoying other people? Is it you that is causing my depression? And if you are, then why are you worth looking at with reason? Because from where I am standing, you are completely unreasonable.

*I do not justify crazy scumbags robbing people of their dignity and money. I share the same disdain for God as I do for Science. Science however is just fresh in my head at the moment.