Missed Phone Call.

I really wanted to talk to you tonight.

I know you say stuff like, "You can go one day without talking to me, its not the end of the world!" and I generally agree with this, but today for some reason, I just really wanted to talk to you.

I guess I'm feeling a bit crap.
There are some days where I feel so ridiculously alone and so unbelievably useless that just seeing a cook on TV struggling in a kitchen pushes me over the edge - probably because I know how he feels - The standing in his shoes sort of thing. Its in those moments when I wonder if being a Chef is something that I should have done. And then I generally just get angry at myself for being a pussy and ultimately just push through it. Its hard to do this sort of thing on your own, esepecially when you see no hope for any change, no consistent stability or peace of mind. I know you know this and all I can really say to you about it is: At least you had your parents support.

Today I just feel like crawling under a blanket and hiding from everything.

I try not to let this side of me come through too much - I don't want this part of me to become an overbearing and uncomfortable constant for you. But you make me feel better and because you're so far away, the emotions tend to come out more than they probably should.
Just a few moments ago I was lying in bed, crying and stroking my hair because I knew that, that is what you would do if you were tangible. One of the things I love about you the most is that you always touch me. For the first time in my life I don't need to seduce someone to be touched, and for the first time ever, a man is touching me in a way that conveys love and not lust. While this makes me disgustingly happy most of the time, knowing that it took 26 years to find that connection, breaks my heart on the bad days.

I miss you so much on the bad days.
I keep telling myself, 'six more months and I can move away. Six more months and I'll be closer to him. Six more months and on the days when I ask him to come over, there's a realistic possibility that he will actually come', and then I look at my empty bankaccount and that, 'dream is dashed' becasue even in six months, while working 61 hours a week, I still will not be making enough money to financially support myself.

And that's when my bad days become terrible days.

It seems like no matter how hard I try, the thing that makes me most happy is completely out of reach. Its pathetic I know and I hope it doesn't make you too pukey, I'm just in love with you and on the bad days, I become a bit more sap-tastic than I ever should be.

I miss you.