Peace.

I pulled out my first grey hair today. Grey hair at the ripe age of twenty-three. It's the birthday that's looming in the shadows that's doing it; twenty-four is a big responsibility.

My sister loaded up one of her Mp3 players for me so I'd have some totally awesome tunes to listen to on the bus on the way to school. I'm completely stoked on it. Got to love the Ray L.
I went for a walk this eve and I just listened to his sweet voice and smiled because it was just a good fucking time.
I said hello to some random in a suit and he looked at me like I was a freak.

A reason to hate Toronto: Being kind automatically equates you to a lunatic.

Either way, the walk and the tunes did me a world of good.
Ray has a quality to him that one could compare to a home cooked meal. It's comforting, warm and reminds you of all the good that is supposed to come out of love. I just kinda went with that and when I got home I felt sure about a lot of things that I wasn't so sure about yesterday.

Andrew and I battled it out to the wee hours of the morning last night.
My last post was premature, but very honest. We're nowhere near close to being ok, but for the first time in quite a long time I know that I miss my boyfriend. I miss him a lot actually and I'm ashamed of myself for being so oblivious to someone I'm supposed to love. I'm in desperate need of a moral adjustment because I've been too bad for too long and I'm sick of it.*

And it doesn't help when I have someone chirping in my ear about wanting to be a rock while trying to seduce me under false pretenses. Not that it's his fault, I listened.

You stupid, stupid man. Why bother pretending when all you had to say was, "I just wanted to fuck you." How many bloody times do I have to go through this nonsense?
He said that the reason why men don't admit to their needs is because of the thrill of the pursuit. I say that if you're more concerned about the thrill of the pursuit vs. fucking up someone's sanity, you have some serious ethical issues and perhaps need to boost your emotional intelligence, 'cause d00d: What the fuck?

Not that this is his responsibility. It's not, at all. It all would have played out this way eventually. Better sooner than later. We're two conflicting personalities. Shit happens.

I don't think ill of Neil now, I'm just confused by him.
He never owed me anything and I'm sure that the more I think of the situation, I didn't want anything from him either. I think he's a rad guy. He makes me laugh and he just seems like a genuinely decent fellow with an aloof sort of personality and that's fine. If he does meet me and he doesn't like me, I'll be quite happy to walk away from him knowing it was for the best because it's quite obvious now that him and I are completely incompatible and I'm absolutely fine with it.
But one has to be a little put off by the lack of his presence after the sex-driven Anna stopped showing up. It's difficult to hold faith in his personality because I hardly know him and I think right now that the current product is a circumstance of the bizarre situation rather than his character. But one can never be sure.

I always knew that the conversations would die when the orgiastic side of me did. It just sucks that, that fact had to be reinforced by him because what happened was exactly what I didn't want to.

Meh. I'm too sleep to worry about it.

But I'd still like to meet him. Can't hurt to have a friendship in this unfriendly city.

* I wish I knew how to paint a more accurate portrait of Andrew for the people who read this - He is not a bad man.
I can't fault someone for not knowing how to be emotionally articulate when they never have been in their whole existence. It is difficult to be with someone who is impassive, but it is not impossible. He's trying.
Understand that I've failed at a lot of things within this relationship as well. I'm just as much at fault and I'm just as stupid as he's being, I just own the advantage of being the one writing the history.

Please don't tell me that it was about time.