Breaking Down The Walls.

I had been talking to this guy for the past couple of weeks and it was honest to god, a fucking pleasure to do so... Well, for the first week it was.

I've been sitting on a fence with almost every single emotion I could possibly own for the past twenty-one days. There were days when I felt completely sound and then there were days when I thought I was going to turn inside out. There were days when the only thing I could do was cry and there were days when I was so excited about the future that I thought I was going to burst. He, unfortunately got stuck right in the middle of it.

I admit that I squeeze people too tightly. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid that they're going to leave or if it's because I'm desperate to be loved. I didn't treat him properly, but to be fair, he was about as proper to me as I was to him.

One of our first conversations he told me how much difficulties he was having with his friends. He said that he found his relationships very frustrating because he was the one to listen. All he wanted in return was a thank you, but he never got it. Poor boy.
So that night, while sussing out his mind I sat and listened to him till very late in the evening. I listened to him because I thought that was what he would have wanted. I sat and listened because I thought he deserved the attention and the sincerity. I sat and listened to him because he was upset and I wanted to help him and by doing so, I thought that he would return the favour.

He didn't say thank you.
In fact, the only thing he did say was that I was a mental and unstable nutjob that didn't have any self love. I believe his exact words were, "You would be an alright person if you had love for yourself." And in some aspects of my life, I tend to agree, but fuck him for being such a self-righteous piece of shit and fuck him for making such a glorified assumption of my character.
Don't get me wrong, he did listen to me. But he did it with the gusto and the grace of a bull in a china shop and by the end of it, the summary of my problems were, "You're not special, if you don't like it, change it." And again, I tend to agree with him, but easier said than done mate.

I perhaps put too much faith in the grace of a stranger. I should have been more tactful, should have realised that not everyone is as enthusiastic and needy as I am. I should have been well aware that I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was looking for an emotionally available man to comfort me through a shitty time.

I should have been smart enough to not let him get to me.

By the end of it he just kept telling me that I didn't mean anything to him and that he couldn't be arsed about how I felt.
It didn't hurt because he was saying it, it hurt because I hadn't let anyone get close enough to me to hurt me in that way for years and just when I had put the bridge down to let someone in, he pelted me with burning arrows.

A couple days after our last conversation I felt bad that it was so miserable and unkind. Now I couldn't give a fuck if I ever talk to him again.

Back to being an ice cold bitch.