Fudge.

Masterpiece number 2039840283 since attending George Brown. It's beautiful isn't it? Fudge icing, ganache, delicately manacured chocolate and pastry cream wrapped into a chocolate sponge of glorious wonder. It's a complete chocolate overload and it was a complete pain in my arse to make.

I only manged a B.

Two weeks ago I visited Niagara.
I was stoked on meeting the Doctor, I was curious about meeting Blue Tie. I bought a new shirt and new panties and endured bad weather to see these two men. One didn't show his face, the other just made me feel guilty and by the end of it, the only thing that was running through my mind was, "What the fuck am I doing?"

After that, admiring blue tie became difficult.
I grew incredibly impatient with his lack of interest in me and incredibly furious with myself for allowing It to get so stupid. I finally reached the point that allowed me to be uninterested in him and so far it's managed to maintain itself. There are days where I want to call him, but I soon realise the point is mute and therefore never do. There are days where I want him to feel the frustration and heartache that he bestowed upon me and there are days where I want nothing more than to walk infront of him aimlessly just to see him grovel for my attention.

A woman has the power to make a man crumble as soon as she learns not to care.

I couldn't look at the doctor as we drove around Niagara.
The guilt that bounced around in me made me feel nervous and ashamed. It wasn't his fault that we weren't compatible, I just couldn't give myself over to the idea of being on an actual date while my boyfriend sat at home watching football.

And that was when the gravity of my choices hit me and I suddenly felt like enough of an idiot for me to say to myself, "Jesus, I've been blind for the past four months."

It's so easy to push the blame onto someone when they're not meeting the expectations that were set for another person. It's so easy to be disgusted with someone when you're trying not to be disgusted with yourself and it's even easier to say that, 'Toronto is a shite city, I hate it' when you want to take the easy way out and get back home to what you think is going to solve your heartache.

Stupid girl.

For the first time in a long time, I actually believe that I want to be with Andrew. Now I just need to learn how to be a decent human again to make it happen.