Get This Man Out of My Head.

"Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you gotta belief, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... They made me horny, on Saturday morn-ee... Girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney.

Jane... Get me off this crazy thing... Called love."

You said it Charlie.

It's fucked y'know. You settle down with someone only to think your life is perfectly indestructible. You're happy, comfortable, enthused that things are going so smoothly. You think you have everything and you're perfectly content in your little bubble of ignorant normalcy. Queue complacent sigh.

I've got it bad.
The crushing feeling that he bestows upon me creeps away when I distance myself from him. When he's not around, neither is the most atrocious feeling of paranoia and grief I have ever known. When he is around, I giggle like a little girl. I feel like I've met my equal and I swoon like a forty-five-year-old John Travolta fan.

It's disgusting.

I need the closure of a solid ass pounding. I need him to take me in a moment of sexual frustration and I need him to fuck me endlessly. I need him to finish this stupid game of bad timing and two minute phone conversations. I need him to know that this is screwing up my head and I definitely need to stop devoting so many random posts to this random man in my life because it is also, disgusting.

I don't understand how I could want to change my whole life over a five minute phone conversation regarding his work day. I'm dumbfounded by how the tone of his sweetly sarcastic voice could make me see Andrew with such repugnance.

I hate him and yet at the same time, am completely enamoured by him.

And I suppose what makes this so confusing and perhaps so magnetic is his lack of opinion, comment and commitment to the whole mess. Yes he wants me, but can't make the time for it. It's ok that he's attatched, he dated a married woman once, why would it be so bad to do it now? But when it finally comes down to it, he only wants to be friends. Emails, phone, existing together for any longer than two minutes is completely forbidden and the only place he can manage sexual coagulation is during office hours. Cause that totally makes sense.

What the fuck sir? Your gender is not supposed to be the confusing one.

So what the fuck do I do? Forget about him? Continue on with Andrew and hope that I don't think of him to keep my relationship steady? Do I somehow find the perfect timing and screw him mercilessly only to fall even more deeply in infatuation with him? Do I remain his friend and lust for him from a distance? Do I tell him how badly this is fucking me up and hope he understands and cares enough to do something about it?

What exactly do I need to do to not be a lunatic anymore? And why is it that the first time I feel passion, is when I am in a state of lunacy?