Mirros.

Andrew tried to have sex with me last night and I couldn't do it.
There was an overhwelming feeling of panic when he put his hand on my hip and I seriously thought that I was going to cry if he moved it anywhere else. When he tried to pull me around to kiss him, I punched him in the arm and quickly squirmed back to the corner of the bed.

He didn't say anything.

I gotta wonder if this is an Anna thing vs. an Andrew thing.
Feeling panicked when your boyfriend tries to get in your pants isn't exactly the outcome that anyone wants in said situation. Before I thought that the reason why I couldn't do it was all about him, but now I'm thinking it's all about me and it's freaking me out.

What happened to make me scared of sex in the past three months?

Sure, moving to Toronto was a traumatic experience, but not that traumatic. Am I overwhelmed with priorities? Depressed? Stressed out about school? Too tired? Or am I just a nut bar? Who fucking knows.

I've been talking to this d00d who is studying mental health and he says that I should go to a shrink.
The last time I went to a head doctor he flat out told me that I got angry too often and that I needed to be more sympathetic to my parents delicate situation and more supportive to my mother's emotional needs.

I firmly told him to go fuck himself. I guess he was right.

***

There's been an onslaught of songs lately commenting on the lack of, "good people."
I hate this city. Everyone in it seems to be a pretentious dick head or an uninterested, self-obsessed fucktard. I haven't met a single person that has struck me as a sincerely decent individual with a kind heart and a good soul.

This is brutal.

***

I was sitting on the subway today and I saw myself in the reflection of the window and I hated it.
One rarely receives the opportunity to catch a glimpse of one's self existing in the real world, without striking poses to show off the best angle of your profile or manicuring each strand of hair to perfection. I just saw me, slumped in the seat looking miserable and cold, like every other face on the TTC and that made me feel so completely empty that I wanted to run out the back door of the train and through the tunnel until I couldn't run any longer.

I wish I had the chance to see my thought process in that state of vulnerability. I'd probably be able to figure a lot shit out.

***

I noticed today that I'm phasing in and out of conciousness a bit too often for my liking.
There's moments of a weird vertigo where I have to lean against something to catch my balance and then a sudden pang of hurt near the middle of my skull and then nothing. Just black. Then I come back into focus and things are fine. I have no idea what this is.