Round Two.

Talk about frustrating.

There have been countless moments of flirting going on in my life over the past year, especially during the last couple of months. I am an awful person for this. Whatever. I don't feel guilty about it, just less inclined to be flirtatious. I suppose that's a start. Again, whatever.

Things were getting good with Andrew.
Being in the house made me happy. Cleaning constantly didn't seem so bad. The fast paced life of city living seemed to agree with me and working at the art store was a fucking blast (I sold four hundred dollars worth of air brush equipment last week. I'm two steps closer to getting that forty dollar bonus. Eat me Wal Mart).

But then I went home this weekend and saw him and now I'm right fucked again.

At first I thought, no big deal, no I don't want him. Absolutely not. Ewe. Don't touch my hand. But the more I sit and think about it, the more frustrated I become with the situation and that makes me want to dig my brain out with an ice cream scoop.

I didn't expect to see him at all.
I resented him the moment I heard his voice and when he glanced at me and calmly chortled, 'Now here's trouble', my emotion turned from resentment to, 'awe, why don't you like me anymore?', and the desire to persue him gently returned. I stood infront of him emoting what I hope came across as cool indifference with a slight edge of interest - just enough concern to keep him talking.
He hasn't let go of things. I can't say that I blame him, but he's interested again and I couldn't be arsed to keep this game of availability going on any longer. When I looked at him, all I could think of was lost opportunities and everything that I wanted to find in a man that was already taken by another woman.

It made me feel like complete shit.

All the progress that had been accumulated with Andrew just sort of fell to the side of the road the more I thought of him today.
And now I'm so unbelievably mad with myself over being entertained by his desires. I'm so stupid, so easily impressed upon. I never did crack, just sex. I'm a sucker for peer pressured intimacy and I HATE it because it's completely ruining any chance I have of owning a normal life with a good man. Unless he leaves his girlfriend and takes it up with me, but what are the chances of that happening?

Stupid diddums. You should have stayed away.