Burning.

If being good or bad is determined by the weight of our actions, then I am simply a bad person.

I wish I knew why I kept coming back to you.
I thought for the longest time that you and I were finished and that, that flicker in the core of my body had been extinguished. I realise now that it was just ignored as its burning me from the inside out.

How can I possibly explain to you what all of this has done? There have been so many intentions that have fallen short over the past year, intentions that I wish I could have kept. There has been so much frustration, confusion, tears and heartache - there are days where I wish I never would have met you.
I never told you because I always planned to walk away before you'd ever grasp these feelings of mine. I never told you because I didn't want you to walk away from me.

God, how I wish I could have kissed you.

Love was explained to me in such a blunt and terribly plain way recently that for the first time, in a long time I remembered what it felt like to emote.
The shock of coupling the conclusion with the contents of my head and heart have left me utterly useless. Realising that I hold some sort of affection for you has left me utterly baffled. The indifference to me, has left me completely torn.

I suppose in the end, I don't want to be a girl that is in love with a married man.
I don't want to be this cumdumpster anymore, I don't want to believe that you honestly think I deserve better than this. That "this relationship" warrants more than dirty blowjobs and mindless sex.

There is nothing in you for me.

But that flame, its burning and I feel like its going to consume me every minute of every day. You haunt me and I find myself altering my life so that there will be a space for us, even if it is only for dirty blowjobs and mindless sex.

You've broken me and oddly enough, I'm thankful for it.