Gone.

I had the most remarkable feeling today.
It reminded me of the time that I accidentally slept through one of my Art History exams. It was the undeniable pang of panic. Oddly enough, I handled it quite nicely.

He told me a few weeks back that he might leave, but I didn't believe him. That's when I said my goodbye, but I never fully believed that I would never see him again. I thought I would always know where to find him. Today, when I realised he was gone, I felt like someone had hit my chest with a baseball bat. The feeling left from that blow literally squeezed through my heart and lungs until it plunged out of my eyes. I just put my head down and got back in my car.

Ray made it better though.
Its interesting, to have someone that you felt so deeply about (for all the wrong reasons), leave you without any trace. Its such a bizarre notion to think that someone you had a relationship with (a relationship that ended because it had to, not because it was wanted), is just randomly floating around somewhere. Usually people phase out of my life after leaving the most horrid of impressions. This man however, will be forever hallowed. Its some fucked up shit.
What would happen if I did see him again? Would we smile, would we pick up where we left off? Would we stare at eachother for a moment and then turn in the other direction? Even now, after only knowing for a couple hours, whenever I hear the sound of dangling keys, my head turns just to make sure it isn't him.

Its a new level of pathetic.

I suppose if I really wanted to I could find him. But I enjoy the mystery of this, the not knowing and the romance of a love lost.
It doesn't hurt so much now. If anything, its just given me the justification to be a sentimental, goth idiot that laments over stupid shit that doesn't matter. Its like a return to my teenage years through the traumatic loss of young love.

My heart really is black.